Looking Back at My Struggles

It's a gray morning here. Rain is in the forecast, and my looming migraine tells me it's on the way.

I don't know -- now that I'm almost half-way through February -- that I will ever go back and confess to you how much I did not get accomplished on my Twelve by 2012 list. I think that was the post where I saw someone write, "I am not one to not finish what I started." It has become glaringly obvious to me that I rarely finish anything that I start.

Except a Diet Coke. 

Seriously.

I get in the middle of projects and leave them half-done and guilt-ridden in the middle of my floor. I make a meal for myself and am SO! HUNGRY! that I SAY to myself that I will clean it up later and... later never comes. As you can imagine, housekeeping is not my strong suit...

However, in looking at my list, I did (somewhat) accomplish 8 of my 12. Instead of registering for a half-marathon, I am now registered for a 10K at Cowtown. I just didn't feel ready to take on that level of training -- mentally or physically.

The thing that most people commented on the most was my "Sarah is unavailable file" -- my file of what will happen when I am deceased. Yeah, that is something I have started and never finished. Don't let anything happen to me until that is finished, okay? And if it does, someone give my poor dog her meds, okay?

I still haven't done much house decorating. Meh.

So, don't you worry. I still have plenty of things to work on IN 2012!

As 2012 is chugging along, I am being made aware day by day of marriages that are struggling, people that are battling some of my same battles, and so many heartaches and heartbreaks in this world.

God is putting on my heart what a blessing my past struggles have been. Places that I have struggled and come out stronger, places that I can look back and still see the battlefield. There are times in my life that I wouldn't take a million dollars to walk back through -- but I wouldn't take a million dollars for the experience, lessons, and blessings that came from those times. From big things like unemployment and marriage struggles and parenting doubts to small things like organizational challenges (yeah, still in the middle of that) to budget struggles (okay... still there) to the diaper days (NO! Not there!)

I am sad with the people that are in the midst of those struggles, but at the same time, I hope that I can foster hope by standing on the other side of the mire and saying, "You can get through it. I promise. I know it's hard. I know you want to quit. It is so worth it. Keep trying."

It's that hope word again. Only available through Christ in me. Powerful.
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect," 1 Peter 3:15

And Christ in me also provides comfort:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Without the hope of Christ, without the comfort of Christ, my past struggles and battles would have completely overwhelmed and consumed me. But God. 

So grateful today. If you're in the midst of a struggle, may Christ in you offer you hope and comfort that another day will come, and that it's not forever. Blessings.

Marriage Monday: Five Resolutions for Your Marriage This Year

Happy New Year, one and all, you lovely people!! I hope that the year has started off well for you and you are on your way to a prosperous and successful 2012.

My kids started back to school today -- TODAY!! -- and that is a rude awakening, I tell ya. My running partner and I, after some glorious 5 mile runs basking in the sun the last 2 weeks (she is a school administrator in a nearby district) were back running in 35* cold at 5:15 this morning. *grumble, grumble*

I also don't feel like I've had time to really ponder, plan, and meditate like I like to around the holidays. There was just a lot of noise and goin's on around my house -- which is a sign of a full and wonderful life -- but I like to evaluate the last year (perhaps it's just as well I didn't spend to much time thinking on that one) and plan for the next.

Did you make goals and/ or resolutions? I like to call mine goals. Resolutions sound so... well, resolute. Final. Goals are something to aim for (that I may or may not make). Goals have wiggle room to me.

Bob is making a wonderful resolution -- to be more grateful. Don't we all have room to be more grateful? I definitely do. (and now I will say I am thankful for my running partner so that I will drag my rear out of bed on 35* mornings and go run... gratitude).

It's a good idea to make goals or resolutions for our marriage. I say this, partly because Marriage Monday fell on the 2nd day of the new year (being honest!! :-), but being even more painfully honest, the reality is that while I'm here at The Cleft of the Rock preaching to all you good people about taking time for your spouse and your marriage, I simply have not. 2011 was a tough year for our family, and I did what so many people do: took care of everyone and everything except for my marriage.

Because I am married to a good and wonderful man, I still have a grace period to get back on track. But, like cleaning a dish right after you use it verses four days later (yes, I have experience with both) it would have been much easier to do a long time ago -- now I have much more work to do.

So, some resolutions I shall be making, and you are welcome to join me:


1) Pray for my spouse: No brainer. On the grouchy days, taking my spouse before the Lord is a way to bring all into perspective. God brought me this man, God blessed our union, and God drug our marriage out of the fire at one point. Praying for my spouse will likely have more effect on me than him, and it won't hurt him, either. Stormie O'Martian has a good book about praying for your spouse, but I have also found this set of cards (it's in the middle of the blog post here) that reminds you to pray for something different about your spouse every day -- and to pray for yourself to be a better spouse. Oh, indeed.


2) Make my marriage a priority: This is pretty all-encompassing. The main thing I'm thinking of here is bringing back date nights (I've been saying we are going to do that for, what,  4 months??) but I want to include reading about improving my marriage, going to a workshop or seminar, things that signify to myself, Troy, and the rest of the world: "This is REALLY important, OKAY??" Because it is.


3) Remember the romance: I don't just mean the physical aspect of our relationship, though that is crucial to a healthy marriage. I mean the small, ooey, gooey things it takes to "date" my husband --  some of that will include little touches and stolen kisses. But it will also be phone calls "just because" and cards and notes hidden away for him. Things we did "back in the day."


4) Let it Go: I've known Troy for over 20 years and we've been married for over 19 now. Sadly, I remember a LOT of times that he has hurt my feelings (I have a good memory -- sue me. I also remember some really cool stuff...). I also now have a list in my head of "he ALWAYS does..." of things that are completely inconsequential -- where he puts things in the pantry, how/ where he parks my car when he uses it (I KNOW how this makes me sound -- I'm being confessional!) If, heaven forbid, God does not grant us all of 2012 together, I do NOT want either of our last memories to be of me griping about where he put the peanut butter back in the pantry.

5) Play together: This one is REALLY hard for us. Again... I'm not talking about our physical relationship. Troy and I don't relax in the same way. Date night is often simply food and a movie. Which is fine, but it could be so much better. We do both enjoy the outdoors, just in different ways. We need to find ways that the two of us can relax together, play together. And I'm open to suggestions -- if you know of anything cool (especially free or cheap) to do in the Dallas area, I would love to hear about it.

I could add several here, but this is all I think I can focus on for now. Trey had some great resolutions for the new year, as well.


What about you? Do you plan to make resolutions for your marriage this year?

Marriage Monday: Surviving the Holidays

It's HERE!! The week of Christmas is HERE! (Does that make anyone else's blood pressure spike? Yeah... more on that later...).

The holidays are stressful and can bring out all kinds of crazies in each of us. Women, especially, tend to set high expectations for ourselves about how the holiday should go: the decorations, the baking the school pageants and programs, the pictures, the gifts... can all weigh us down until we feel burdened by what should be a peaceful and joyful time of remembering and celebrating.

You'll totally look like this on Christmas morning if you follow this blog post.

Even on the best holidays -- when all the loved ones are healthy and accounted for, when you can locate all of your Christmas decorations, etc. -- Christmas can be stressful if we let it. Here are some ways to let Christmas be more merry than madness in your marriage:


1) Clearly communicate your expectations: If a real tree, the brightest lights on the block, and a huge holiday open house are all important to you, let your spouse know, and clearly communicate his/ her role in all of that (understanding s/he may have an entirely different vision -- now is the time for early and clear communication). Discuss gifts ahead of time. If you think "he should just know" but past history tells you that he isn't going to, either change your expectations, help him out by giving him a list, or buy for yourself and wrap it yourself.  Sheila had a great article about gifts, Christmas, and marriage.

2) Decide what is a 'must' and let most of the rest go: Maybe spouse says, "No can do on the Griswold style Christmas lights. I'll help with the tree and Open house." You have to decide. What is that important to you. Also, of course, there will be band concerts to attend, office parties, church events, and on and on. Step back and see which is a must and which may have to be a casualty of the season.


3)Make time for yourself: Don't let your health be a casualty of the season. Get plenty of sleep when possible. Don't overindulge at the parties, and when you do drink plenty of water to clear out your system as soon as possible. Wash hands often. Exercise -- if even a brief stroll to clear your head -- when you can. Read. Do something for you, even if it is for as little as 20-30 minutes a day.

4) Make time for memories: Remember that the prettiest decorated cookies at the class party or the best decorated tree isn't the goal. Relax and let things go that don't really matter -- buy the cookies if you have to, and spend your time looking at Christmas lights as a family.

5) Expect the unexpected: Things will go wrong. It's bound to happen. Spouse forgot about the 40 gifts he needed for the office, or the party that is tonight. The kids need a costume for the musical that is tonight. Take deep breaths, find your flexibility, problem solve, and most importantly:

6) Laugh: The cookies caught on fire? Quick! Take a picture! You dropped a can of pumpkin on the floor that shot up to the ceiling and into your face? Take a picture AND laugh! (we have photographic evidence of me doing this -- and our house in Abilene probably still has orange stain on the ceiling). The lights only stay lit when someone holds the plug in? That is hilarious! Even in the stores, packed to the gills with shoppers, most of them completely devoid of holiday spirit, there are good times to be had. Find your laughter.

7) Remember why you're doing all of this: Christmas is to celebrate Christ's birth. I love the 1 Corinthians 13, Christmas Version -- if we aren't decorating, shopping, and cooking with love, all is meaningless. This holiday, that commemorates the birth of Christ, is a time for families to stop and enjoy each other.  With expectations too high and needs not communicated, disaster can befall.

I know this was more of personal surviving the holidays guide, but when you keep calm and clearly communicate with your spouse, your marriage will better absorb the stress of the season.

Buy some extra candy canes, spend a night by the fire, and enjoy the season!

Marriage Monday: 5 Ways to Survive a Crisis With Your Marriage Intact

I have written about marriages in crisis before, but the reality is that many marriages (mine included) come to a time of crisis because the individuals in the marriage were going through a time of external crisis and failed to care for their marriage through the crisis.

In our marriage, we evidently don't do health issues, we do house issues. And, of course, we have had the health issues of our loved ones to contend with. But we have flooded, then five years later had a trench jackhammered through the middle of my home. We have been through unemployment and relocation in the last year alone -- okay, year and a half.  We know some stress.

You do, too, no doubt, and yours will be different from mine. One thing I have learned is we each have our own "freak out level." Don't judge people whose freak out level is 12 steps away from yours -- they are doing the best that they can with the tools they have been given. It doesn't mean they are weak, it means they haven't developed the same muscles that you have. All is grace.

Of course, this should apply to your spouse, as well.

5 Ways to Survive a Crisis With Your Marriage Intact
1) Start With a Firm Foundation: if you're in the middle of crisis now, this is like telling you that you should have learned to swim as you are slipping underwater in rough seas. I don't mean to do that, of course. But if you aren't in the middle of a life crisis, you know that eventually you will have one. A dear friend, Beverly Ross, says: "Prepare in the light for when the darkness comes." Yes, the darkness will come into your life. Learn to communicate with your spouse, know how you handle stress, hows/he handles stress. Have the best relationship with your spouse that you possibly can in the great times so that you will make it through the tough times.

2) Be the grown-up as much as possible: No doubt, crisis brings out the worst in all of us. Besides making us lose our temper and our cool, it can also bring about physical symptoms (headaches, sick stomach, achy muscles, etc.) that add to you wanting to lash out. (Some tricks to help you relax in times of stress.) But remember that whatever crisis you are in, your spouse is to some degree, even if only because s/he wants to help and take the load off as much as possible and may not know how. And sometimes your spouse will blow his/ her top. The words he is saying may be, "Can't you hold the flashlight still??" But the meaning behind it is: "I am stressed beyond belief about how we are going to pay for this." Understand that. Getting into a shouting match about how still you ARE holding the flashlight isn't going to help diffuse the situation. Along the same lines:

3) Bite your tongue as much as possible: One of the ways you may want to "prepare in the light for when the darkness comes" (that I confess I have not) is commit Philippians 4:8 to memory: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things." And then... only speak those things, as well. On the flip side:


4) Speak up as much as possible: Remind your spouse of the positives in the situation (do you have medical insurance? A 2nd car for while the first is in the shop? do you have each other?) Whatever you can think of. Also, as you can, step back and let your spouse know s/he is doing a great job of handling the situation or easing your load or whatever. Notice the little things... and speak up.


5) Take care of yourself and encourage your spouse to do the same: ESPECIALLY when you are in it for the long haul: caring for a sick parent or child, unemployment, whatever, each of you should see the necessity of taking care of yourself physically. It's the airplane analogy of putting the oxygen mask over your own face first before you put it over the person you are traveling with. Why? Because people who have passed out from lack of oxygen are unable to help the people around them get oxygen. Exercise. Get sleep. Eat right. All of those things you don't want to think about when it feels that your world is imploding. 


I know of one amazing mom who is currently going through her third year of chemo treatments for her 5 year old daughter. Due to medical facilities, etc., they decided this year --- in a few weeks' time -- to move 150 miles away, closer to better treatment options. Through ALL of this, she does all that she can to get out for a walk or run every day (it doesn't always happen). I so admire her for this and what it models to her family. She knows that a few minutes of exercise can hit the recharge button, clear the brain, and allow her to be the best mom possible to her girls. Of course, she also encourages her husband to go on his bike rides. They make quite a team.


Crisis will come, but it doesn't have to take your marriage with it. Some wise people allow crisis to forge their marriage into a stronger entity than before. May that be the case for you!


So many of you have great thoughts on this. Other ideas? What to do during times of crisis to make sure it doesn't hurt your marriage?

Marriage Monday: Pray for Your Spouse

Hey y’all! I trust that everyone had a restful weekend.... I know. Rolling my eyes here, too. We don’t do those in early December, do we? Surely the Lord’s birth means flit to and fro like a crazy person to band concerts, shopping malls, football games (oh, stars... I am just now drying out... good season, Eagles), adorable pageants and the like. All memories to behold.

For marriage Monday today, I want to encourage each of us -- starting with me -- to be faithful in prayer for our spouses. Praying WITH your spouse is also a beautiful, intimate exercise that shouldn’t be overlooked. But praying for your spouse is a privilege I want to encourage each of us to take on.

If you have been to Marriage Monday a time or two, you may know that I speak to marriages in crisis, as well as marriages in better places. ALL marriages will benefit from a praying spouse.

If you are a marriage in crisis, sometimes it’s hard to pray for your spouse without praying for your spouse to be an entirely different person altogether. Last week in Bible class at church someone mentioned that their children like to use evening prayers to tattle to God about their siblings and try to get God to fix them:

“And, Lord, please remind Caitlyn to ask me before she uses any of my stuff... even though I will probably say ‘no’...”

“Dear God, please help Holly not to be so mean and bossy all the time...”

When Troy and I have been in the worst places of our marriage, I prayed to know how to love him more purely. I prayed that our marriage would be healed. I prayed to forgive past hurts so that I could see when he was making honest efforts toward our marriage.

I’m sure I have prayed for Troy to be someone he’s not -- but my pride is preventing me from remembering it right now. :-)

I wrote an article about a time that I drew a line in the sand with the Lord and told him I wasn’t going to forgive Troy -- and the Lord pretty much crawled ALL up in my grill ‘bout that. (Note to self: don’t do that to the Lord.)

Now that we are at least on a somewhat even keel around here, I try to remember that it is my honor and my privilege to pray for my husband. There are SO many things I can pray for on a daily basis - too many to list here.

If I truly listen to him when he comes home from work, that is a huge pile of concerns and burdens on his heart that I can pray peace over for him. I pray over his friendships, that he would be led to godly men that would encourage him in his walk of faith. I do pray for him as a father, not to “fix” him, as mentioned before, but to strengthen him and guide him (pity’s sake -- who couldn’t use a little strength and guidance as a parent these days??)

If you are thankful for your husband, a) TELL HIM REGULARLY and b) thank God for him regularly. But also remember to ask him what you can be praying for for him. He may just give voice to that which you already know, or he may pour out a concern that you had no idea he was struggling with.

I found this list that includes ways to pray for your spouse.

And, many of you are probably familiar with the “Power of a Praying” series by Stormie O’Martian. Those are good -- but you need a full hour of prayer time if you are going to be a powerfully praying wife, parent, daughter, friend, pet-owner, and citizen. But I do believe she has a great guideline to pray over those that you love on a daily basis.

Whether you fell like you need a guide or simply want to be consistent in your prayer life for your spouse, just be sure you are praying. And I will join you in being more faithful. And we can revolutionize the world with prayed over spouses and marriages!

What about you? Do you have great resources or words of encouragement for praying for your spouse?

Marriage Monday: Let's Talk!

Look at me! Posting Marriage Monday on Monday! Get outta town!

Next thing you know I may even be taking my coupons to the store and USING them! But let's not get carried away...

Today's post is just a quick little idea that I am stealing borrowing from my favorite "date-your-spouse" site, The Dating Divas (sure, they really are my favorite -- but how many "date-your-spouse" sites are out there? Thank you, Dating Divas, for realizing what we all need!)

On this post, Corie planned a fun evening at home for her and her man: some treats and games. But her game was simply "let's talk." Nothing says "night-o-fun" to a guy like "let's talk" -- however, she cut up some pre-printed questions, had them at the ready, and spent time learning even more about her husband of 16 years.

As I read over the questions, I realized that after 19 years of marriage, I might pass on how Troy would answer, but some of them I don't know. Some of them he may not know.  I probably won't save these for "Date Night" -- I may pull out 2 or 3 every night before he completely shuts his brain off in the evenings. Just a way to touch base without the usual yammering about what is or isn't happening in our day.

So I made mine. In 5 minutes. On a Monday -- in which I had a splitting headache. So it is not cute, like this one. Alas, it is done. I did search for ribbon that I used to own, and still might, but it is packed in boxes somewhere. But it will work.

I also really like that it came from this original idea: "Hot Topics" -- a dinnertime conversation starter. You know I am all about eating dinner together as a family on a regular basis. Sometimes we are so tired we just shovel our food in and not much is said. These would be great to just pass out one per meal. It would only take one, because someone would have to argue why the answer was the most ridiculous thing in the world, I would have to retrain about manners and respect, and the evening would be a success!

Obviously this isn't rocket science for a Marriage Monday, but I thought it was fun.


Do you have any easy date night ideas?

Marriage Monday: Celebrating 19!

I know -- going to have to start actually POSTING Marriage Mondays on Monday to call them Marriage Mondays! and I have a PLAN to make that happen -- just not this week. :-)

And this week, Monday fell on my 19th wedding anniversary. So I had to look back and reminisce about how far we have come -- and think about where we are going.

I asked Troy if we thought we had any idea what we were in for. "Not a clue." Nope, not a clue.

People that really know me before they know Troy think of him as a little too serious and somber. The most gracious of people see me -- on the outside -- as an encourager who loves to laugh. And I do! But sometimes life piles on top of my head and it's just too much. Without the support and encouragement of my husband, reminding why I do what I do and what God has called me to do, life would have long ago ceased being sparkly, beautiful, or funny.  I don't want to imagine the me I would be without him.

Those that know Troy well and meet me later know him to be kind and encouraging, and a man of unflagging integrity. They even know him to be one to pull a practical joke or two in his time. I admire his work ethic and unyielding honesty. He has a standard for himself that is above reproach. I'm so thankful to have him to hold me accountable and to walk next to in this life.

Our path has not been perfect, and our steps have stumbled as often as they have been sure. But our marriage is the best example of God's grace making something beautiful out of a potential mess -- especially considering He had our 23 year old selves to start with. But I cannot discount the homes that we came from -- the model of godly marriages we both were blessed to live with. That marriage means forever. In good times and bad. Sickness and health. Until death do we part. My blessings overflow.

Thank you, Troy, for believing in me when I don't believe in myself. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for showing me how it's done. Thank you, Mike and Linda, for showing my husband what a godly marriage is. Thank you, Lord, for all of these things.


See why it's a good idea to get married right before Thanksgiving? There is just so much to be thankful for! :-)


When do YOU think is the best time to get married?

Marriage Monday: Ask for What You Need or Want

My background is in Education, and my degree is technically a dual major in Elementary and Special Education. A BIG deal in Special Education, specifically, but also throughout the younger grades, was for a child to ask for what s/he needs or wants.

Side note: this goes a long way in parenting, too. An 18-month old child is capable of speaking or signing "Juice, please." or "Drink, please." Which is FAR preferable to the child pointing and shrieking at the juice cup. Any child that has been taught to ask for what he or she needs or wants is much more enjoyable to be around than those that have not.

True, I get VERY lazy (and sarcastic) in my parenting and have been known to either respond to the teenage equivalent of point/ shriek (the grunt) by handing them what they want or the "We're out of milk..." with a snarky, "That's interesting. How do you plan for it to appear on the shopping list?"

Newsflash: Adults must also ask for what they need or want!

So, why am I surprised when my spouse is unable to read my mind? I have realized that after nineteen  years of marriage (next Monday! Woot!) that sometimes I STILL expect him to magically know my schedule and that I need him to pick up some slack or that I need him to do something he doesn't usually or that I need him to do 'x'.

Guess what? He doesn't know. He is an awesome man, but he still can't read my mind. And for me to become angry at him for not knowing what I need or want before I have actually verbalized it is the equivalent to him becoming angry at me for not being able to sprout wings and fly over the traffic. Which would be totally way cool, but I still can't do it.

When life gets that evil "b" word (busy) it's easy to start going our own way and make thoughts, plans and expectations on our own. When we fail to ask for what we need or want, resentment piles up as we assume our needs are being ignored altogether.

I say it often: Communication is very fragile.

Now I will say this often: Ask for what you need or want.

Marriage Monday Favorites

I'm sure you had Marriage Monday on your calendar yesterday and missed it horribly -- HA! :-)

I have been a bit under the weather and blogging has had to take a back seat as I wallowed all over the couch, then the bed, then resumed my couch wallowing not too long ago.

So, to keep up with some Marriage Mondays, I thought I would share with you some of my most popular (top 3) and the bottom 2 are my personal favorites. I'll see you back here soon:

     *Marriage Monday: When Your Marriage Is In Crisis

     *Marriage Monday: Be the Cheerleader!!

     *Marriage Monday: Encouraging Words

     *Marriage Monday: This is "Worse"... Are You In?

     *Marriage Monday: Speak Well of Your Spouse

I am finding that I don't do "down time" as well as I thought I did. I typically set aside Sunday afternoons for my do-nothing time and do just that -- absolutely nothing, and feel zero guilt about it. However I'm finding that I am not relaxing well when there is so much that needs to be done around my house and other places.

I doubt I'm alone. What about you: how do you handle forced down time?

Top Posts for October

If you would like to catch up on some posts you may have missed, here are my top posts for the month of October:

     *Marriage Monday: When Your Marriage Is In Crisis

     *Twelve by 2012

     *Marriage Monday: Get Your Marriage Out of a Rut

     *Decorating for Halloween? Yay or Nay?

     *Marriage Monday: Be the Cheerleader!!

     *Please Tell Me You Can Relate

     *Not Quite Meeting My Goals

     *Are You A Seeker... Or Just Seeking the Seekers?

     *Walking in Faith

     *Can You Hear Me Now?


Thanks for stopping by! Tomorrow I will catch you up on how I did (or didn't) do on my October goals and see about some November goals. Be thinking about yours!

Marriage Monday: It's for Real

Today's Marriage Monday (that I am writing on Tuesday morning) could probably be rightfully interpreted as a rant more than any type of helpful direction or advice. You've been advised.

I obviously missed posting yesterday and was just going to let it go. Then I did something that I do about four times a year: I caught some celebrity news.

As an aside, I could get so absorbed in celebrity news that it would be all I do. Magazines, news shows, gossip sites, you name it, I'm just as into celebrity watching as the next person if not more. Therein lies the problem. If I am to get anything done in this life, I must let the celebrities live their lives while I live mine. I don't guess it was a conscious decision to stop reading the magazines and watching the news shows. I think as I had my own family, I had less time and lost touch with it for long enough that I could walk away.

But I could fall into a black hole of that in a heartbeat -- so now I do make a decision to stay very far away. Crazy thing? I see my daughter DRAWN to the TV shows and magazines at the check out stands like a moth to a flame. What is it about us?

So... it was this summer that she caught a little bit about the OTHER royal wedding. You know, the one where the family name rhymes with "rashian"... Otherwise I would have had NO idea.

Image from weddingringcentre.net

So now, as you probably know, the big news story is that less than 3 months later the marriage is ending. I caught a few minutes of it -- yes, it was one of the "top stories" on the Today show at the gym this morning. Complete with a press release from the bride saying that she "had hoped that this marriage would be forever, but those things don't always work out."

THIS is why I can't watch celebrity news. I get caught up in it, then I get angry. "These things don't always work out?" Are you kidding me?

Obviously, as someone who just barely knew that the wedding had already taken place, I don't know every detail of this situation. I know that it is a marriage full of cameras and photographers -- a condition the couple sold the rights to, even to the tune of $200,000 for the rights to their honeymoon (I've been doing research. Sue me.) They obviously aren't the first or last celebrity couple to make poor choices -- I'm pretty sure this isn't the shortest celebrity marriage I can think of.

Then there is the rumor that perhaps the entire marriage was just one big publicity stunt.

I have so much I want to say about all of it (which would be the rant).

Marriage is a sacred bond, not a publicity stunt.

Marriage is for grown-ups. Grown-ups who know how to act like grown ups.

Marriage is forever. You promised him, you promised God. No, these things don't work out when you wash your hands of them within three months.

Granted, it takes two to stay married. Two grown ups. Willing to work. Willing to honor God in their actions and choices. Perhaps that means that not everyone should choose to get married. I definitely would rather have people not be married than make such a mockery of it.

Whew. I'm getting too upset. Good thing Kim K. isn't here to stand around and tell me what I need to be doing differently. Plenty, I'm sure, in her world.

Photo by Lester Cohen of WireImage.com

And, with that, I would like to give a nod to my FAVORITE celebrity couple, married 23 years: keep up the good work, Tom and Rita!

And, if YOU are making YOUR marriage work -- you , too, are a celebrity! Keep it up!

Marriage Monday: When Your Marriage Is In Crisis

Most of my recent Marriage Monday posts have been fairly fluffy: hold hands, be nice, date your spouse, and say nice words.

Those are still awesome things to do, no doubt, but I have encountered several marriages the last week that are way too far gone for those things. Still, hear me say this: even one party willing to do these things can change the course of an empty shell of a marriage.

So, you look up, and realize that your marriage is in crisis. Because I am open about the fact that Troy and I walked for a time through crisis, I have had more than one woman talk to me about their marriage struggles. I don't always advise each of these things, depending on where the woman is, but none of them is a bad idea.

1) Guard your heart: if you are discontent in your marriage, you are a lightning rod for an affair. That sounds harsh, but I had someone say the same thing to me while I was saying how crazy I was about my husband but something just was missing. Then, when I started talking to a man who would actually listen to me and seemed concerned for me, the warning came back to me. "THIS is what I need to guard against!!" Spend time in prayer, and be hyper-vigilant about who you spend your time around (in person and online) and where your mind goes.

If it's too late for this warning emotionally, GET OUT of that relationship. If it's too late for this warning physically, GET OUT of that relationship. It doesn't mean your marriage is over, it does mean you have FAR more clean up to do.

2) Find someone you can trust to confide in and who will be a champion for your marriage. When my marriage was in crisis, I had several people offer to counsel with me. I graciously declined any contact from divorced women. (It's a long story, but I didn't know any of them very well). That wasn't where I wanted to end up. I wanted to stay married, so I sought out married people to pray with me and for me. Now that I know those women better, I know they love my husband and myself and would have encouraged us to stay married, but I couldn't have known that at the time. I still think I was wise to be discerning in who I sought counsel from.

However, I also couldn't have done it alone. To this day, I call my prayer group my Mark 2 friends. Mark 2 tells the story of the crippled man who couldn't get into the house because it was so crowded, so his friends took him up on the roof, dug through the roof, and lowered him to Jesus to be healed. My friends got me to the foot of the cross when I was too broken and wounded to get there myself. You need friends like that. Don't have one you can trust? Pray that God reveal them to you. That is how I found mine.


3) Spend your own time in prayer. Even if you're hurt and angry and not sure what to say. Tell God. Tell God how hurt you are. Tell God that you aren't sure what to pray any more. Tell God that you aren't sure you even have the strength to stay married and be nice one more day, and if you have it, it will have to all come from Him. Because He knows. And it delights Him to hear you come to Him and tell Him. If you have children, you KNOW how it thrills your soul, yet blesses you to no end for your little one to crawl up in your lap, chin quivering, and just let it all out to you, even when you know. Let God have such a delight.


4) Seek professional help. Get counseling. If your spouse won't go, you go. Expensive? Sure. Priced divorces and two households lately? Counseling is cheap in comparison. Many places have a sliding pay scale based on your income. I have said this before and sadly say it again: my own experiences lead me to not give a huge endorsement to pastoral counseling (that which you can generally get for free at a church). If it is a licensed counselor, it would be better than nothing, but if it is your own church, it is usually better to seek counseling elsewhere.

This is obviously not a comprehensive list. Marriages and their bumps and bruises are as individual as the people within them. My personal opinion is that a marriage is NEVER too far gone to be repaired, but both members have to be willing to put on their work clothes and work gloves, and they will need a support system. Come Have a Peace blog has been sharing some AMAZING marriage survivor stories on Mondays (you may have to look through the archives). It's never too late.

If your marriage is in crisis, I truly pray you will seek and find help.

For those of us that have walked through it, who has more, different, and/or better advice? What would you say to a struggling couple?

Marriage Monday: Be the Cheerleader!!

Yes, I know it's not Monday anymore. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. I'm still going to talk about marriage, so let's just let me call it what I will, shall we?

I suspect I may start sounding like a broken record in this regard, but it occurs to me that I need the reminder still. Weeks ago I mentioned using encouraging words with your spouse or, at the very least, biting your tongue about things that don't matter.

No. No skirt or gymnastics required.

Today, I want to encourage you to consider yourself your spouse's cheerleader.

Not that kind of cheerleader.

The cheerleader that speaks well of him/ her even when s/he isn't around.  The kind of person that remembers why you got married in the first place -- and tells other people all the great things about him/ her.

Be the person that speaks well of your spouse to your children so that your children honor, love, and respect your spouse as well.

Be the person that tells other people how great your spouse is at... what? My spouse is great at his job. He's a perfect fit for it. Because of that, he got asked to help with a ministry at church that was an extension of what he does. I let other people know how good he would be at that.

Part of what makes him good is that he cares about the people he's working with and for, and NEVER gives less than 100% to any job that he does. He's a pretty amazing guy. You can see how those qualities bless us here at the house, too. Obviously, I could go on.

This Marriage Monday / Tuesday comes with a homework assignment: compliment your spouse 3 times a day for the next week. If you compliment him/ her TO someone else, that counts! Let's check back in next week and see how we did.

Brag Time! Tell me now: my spouse is great at/ or because...? Why?

Marriage Monday: Get Your Marriage Out of a Rut

I kind of have a mixed bag of stuff I want to talk about for MM. But one thing is weighing heavy on my heart.

A friend -- acquaintance, really -- that I don't know super well, but has given me the honor of hearing some fairly personal information, is really struggling in marriage. I will call that friend, FOGMC (Friend whO is Going to Marriage Counseling!) And, it would mean a lot to both FOGMC and myself if you would pray for FOGMC. I'm being totally serious. God knows who it is, and a marriage is in crisis.

Listening to FOGMC, I realize many things, but it seems to me that the main one is that spouse is pretty much where, in FOGMC's eyes -- can do nothing right. If spouse tries to do right things, it is too little too late and only to keep FOGMC from leaving. If spouse doesn't do right things, well, it's just more of the same. FOGMC openly admitted frustration and was heading to counseling and asked for prayers and a little advice. I have way more in the prayer department than I do advice!

I've been there, haven't you? Okay, maybe YOU are still a gooey newlywed. But what about the grouchy person next to you? Haven't YOU been where your spouse breathing/ helping/ walking/ being upright was annoying to you and you were CONVINCED you married the wrong person?

How did you get out of it? Are you out of it? You should really get out of it. Let me tell you how. When I figure it out.

One thing I thought of while talking with FOGMC was that I try to step back and remember what made me fall head over heels for my cowboy in the first place. Of course, it helped that he was crazy about ME. :-) But I look for those things that I remember from the "gooey love" days that I was crazy about... and if I look around, still am crazy about.

I try to remember to bite my tongue about the stuff that doesn't matter -- and remind myself how much it doesn't matter.

If something is hugely important to me, I calmly make it known. Too often, I do this backwards and fuss and gripe about the little things, yet the really big things I will swallow and stew on for... whatever reason. "Well, he should know!" Uh-- how will he know if I don't tell him??

And, when it all boils down to it, I start to date him again. Not necessarily take him out on a date. That would require us being in the same zip code AND awake for longer than 47 minutes. Our life isn't lending itself to that currently. But remember when you were dating? When you called just because you HAD to hear his voice? Or you sent him funny stuff in the mail? Or left cute stuff in his car? (Yes, I'm making mental notes of all the things I should be doing...)

I have really been enjoying the Dating Divas website for all of their great ideas for dates and other ways to say "I love you".  Here is a list of things that weigh 13 ounces or less, so can be mailed for around a dollar or two. I love that this lady just sticks them in the mail. A flip flop. A playground ball. Whatev. How fun is that? Send some mail to your spouse at work to break up an otherwise blechy week.

What about you? Do you have any thoughts or ideas? When life presses in and you just seem stuck?

Marriage Mondy: SURPRISE!

Before I get started, let me be the first to point out that yes, yes I did miss a day in my "month of posting every day" in September. Nope, it wasn't yesterday (PLEASE tell me you watched that precious video) or Saturday (Scott, I will NOT pay for your therapy because of that pic). Those I had scheduled to post, but Friday? Y'all -- I was just having too much fun! I won't regale you with all of my fun, but I had a lot of fun with a new friend and my kids. I even got to spend time with Troy, who was home for a few minutes in the morning before his flight out of town.

So I missed a day and I'm just going to be okay with that.

For Marriage Monday I want to tell you about the absolute CUTEST thing my sweet husband did for me while he was out of town.

While I'm bragging on my man I'll go ahead and tell you it made me feel like a big creep because I had planned to set him up a VERY simple little goody box like this one on the Dating Divas site... and I fell into my Pinterest black hole just didn't take the time to do it. :-( So, he is at least 35 points ahead in the spouse rewards points game. You know what that means? Next movie = explosions and blood, next dinner out = major side of beef, and I have lost remote privileges forever.

Saturday afternoon, he sent me a text with a cute little rhyme that launched me into a scavenger hunt in the house. Finally! A scavenger hunt that isn't for my keys or clean socks! Whew! The clues were good and a little tough (he is VERY clever with words!) The last clue really took me a while. I had to go back and back to the clue. He was good... he wouldn't give a hint! :-) He is KILLER at Christmas (of course... he usually doesn't buy my gift until about the 20th, but he doesn't give it away!)

When I finally got it figured out the final clue led me to a sweet card and gift for me -- some shoes (my love language) that he had seen and thought of me. But, after all of that, it could have just been the card or a box of my favorite candy!

The point is that he took the time to come up with the idea -- or even stole or borrowed the idea, I don't care. He actually pulled it off unlike his slacker wife, who only came up with the idea AND bought the supplies.

This kind of thing may not be your "thing" -- but would it thrill your spouse? What would communicate to your spouse "I thought of you and put some effort into communicating that to you"?

I am NOT a creative person when it comes to such things. My gifts fall more in the "burn chicken 12 different ways" category or the "see how long a family can go without sweeping the floor." So, I have been very thankful to find The Dating Divas site. I think that some of their ideas are contributed, and some they dream up, but they are pretty fun.

If you have a great idea for a simple way to let your spouse know you are thinking of them, let me know! I would love to hear it!

Marriage Monday: Encouraging Words

My thoughts on marriage today are prompted by Trey's post making the amazing claim: "How to Drop the Divorce Rate to 7% in Your Marriage."

Well, I was all about that. I have mentioned about a time or 50 that Troy and I have stared divorce in the face and by the grace of God and prayers of others we came out on the other side. And we are wiser and gentler with each other for it (did you know that most marriages -- like 80%-ish -- that are unhappy report that 5 years later are happier than ever? Because they have found the value in sticking it out).

However, that doesn't mean that we are immune to common pitfalls in marriage. Hyper-aware that they are taking place, maybe, but they still crop up from time-to-time.

Take now, for instance. Let's push aside the fact that the kids and I have only lived in this area for 3 months, so aren't super familiar with neighbors and friends, and certainly don't have a carpool support system. Fall has defaulted to being our crazy-busy season since that includes activities of both of our kids. Marching band practice has one going until late day while football practice gets one up in the wee hours of the morning, football games (for both) are on 2 nights a week, then the schools want us to meet the teacher, party with the band, and do all kinds of other things that take up evenings and time and gasoline.

It is a fun season of life watching our kids do what God has gifted them to do, but it does coincide with a busy season at Troy's work, when they also happen to be short-handed. Today is a fairly typical 13-hour day for him to launch a busy week that concludes with an out-of-town business trip over the weekend. It's our season of life and where God has us now.

So communication is brief. Emails and texts fly about schedules, finances, errands, and home maintenance. By the end of the day, it's "I'm starving," "What's for dinner," and "Who's turn is it to clean up?" That's about all we have left.

When Trey's blog post mentioned to compliment our spouse 5 times for every negative thing we say, I confess I was at a loss.
"Your car looks so shiny as you drive away in the mornings..."
"You spell everything right in your texts to tell me how late you're going to be..."

Once I started paying attention -- that if I wasn't going to compliment, I had to quit being negative, for starters -- I found places to compliment. When you've been married ... as long as we have (a number that we actually disagree on -- we have no idea how long it will be this November ... but I'm pretty sure I'm right... :-) you forget that someone still likes to hear compliments on their appearance.

But of course I lOVE to get compliments -- and Troy is good at that. I'll have to compliment him on  his complimenting me.

If it's really that easy, will you do it? Compliment your spouse 5 times for every negative thing you say? I found myself biting my tongue about ridiculous criticisms (where the soy sauce goes in the pantry, for example) just so I wouldn't have to dream up compliments about someone I'm barely spending any time around currently. Yes, I am being bare bones honest right now.

I married an amazing, godly man and it has been good for me to remember all the reasons why! What about you?

Marriage Monday: Time To Reconnect

Well... hello there.

It's me. My name is Sarah. I blog occasionally. When my life isn't in grand upheaval.

You'll notice this is a "Marriage Monday" post. I STARTED to write 2 weeks ago: for optimal marital health,

never,
never,
never,
never,
NEVER
move. The end.

It still isn't bad advice, but I'm not sure it's reasonable.

We got moved into our house (with a little tension) and a few days of settling in, but I had to return to the other town (200 miles away) for the kids to finish school. And they did. Stellarly. (That isn't a word. But my kids are awesome and I am proud). My kids maintained great grades, played in their respective band concerts, fought bronchitis, and slept in 6 different places the last 4 weeks of school. No sweat. Seriously. I'm kind of goofy-over-the-top proud of them.

So marriage Monday stuff. So Thursday the kids got out of school at noon. I loaded them, the dog (who had been staying with a friend), the computer tower (that had been being repaired by another friend), a trombone and clarinet and all of our luggage in the truck and headed over. Now my husband and I are living together for more than 48 hours at a stretch for the first time in 6 months. Not. Even. Kidding. 6 months.

A bit of an adjustment. He is so happy to have us here and with him -- and has mentioned more than once how much lower his stress level is with us here -- and I am happy to be here with him and just flat happy to have a HOUSE after 3 weeks of floating.

But the reality is that not only are we adjusting to living together, the kids and I are adjusting to living in a new town. In other words, stress level is high.

I have to check my heart and my words quite frequently these days. I want to lash out -- and have more times than I care to admit. I want to be selfish -- and am too frequently. I have been in charge and queen of my domain now for 6 months. Troy has been basically a bachelor for 6 months. There will be some adjustment.

I know the main thing I need to be doing that I have sadly neglected -- time in God's word. I need to surround and fill myself with His word to remind me that this, my family, is my blessing and my calling and that His love, according to 1 Corinthians 13, is kind, patient, not rude or easily angered, and never fails. Yeah. I'm gonna need some divine help for that.

So look for me back here. Feel free to say a prayer as we learn our new town, each other (again) and our new neighbors. I'll be digging into God's word to be reminded of what this all means.

Marriage Monday: This is "Worse"; Are You In?

If you haven't kept up with the schedule, this is it! This is the week that movers put my belongings on a truck, my family moves into a hotel, then into a house, then in with friends, all the while doing a wildflower project for Pre-AP Biology, a band concert, and having some sort of honor bestowed upon a student. It's just a wee bit cuckoo 'round here. No wonder someone woke up with a stomach ache.

To add to the cuckiness, two weeks ago there was a ginormous hail storm (that 2 days later produced horrifically deadly tornadoes as it moved east -- don't worry, I have it in perspective!) and the new owners of my home would like all of their shingles to be in one piece, thankyouveruhmuch, so I have thrown a roofer who REALLY likes to ring my doorbell, insurance adjustors and paperwork into the mix.

Of course all of this Troy and I have tackled as a team, yet from 200 miles apart. Thank you, Lord, for electronic media!

Last week my parents came in and helped me pack. They are most precious and understand that my exercise is my sanity. They would send me on my way while they packed a box or 20. On one very brief run I ran by a vehicle that had been shoe polished: "I love you SO much!" on one window. "So glad you're mine!" on another. Didn't see the others. I'm sure they were equally gooey.

I smiled at the sentiment. I would have -- and probably have done -- equally sweet things. But to the shoe polish author I want to ask: "Are you all the way in? Will you still be there when it's hard? You're here for the better... what about the worse?"

Years ago I wrote about what real love looks like -- and it isn't pretty. It's slogging through times like these knowing you'll come out better.

Perhaps it's unfair to call this season of transition "worse" -- Troy and I have lived through the absolute worst a marriage could go through, and this is nowhere close. As long as two people are working together toward a common goal, it isn't the worse, no matter how far apart geography separates them. However, in no form or fashion can this be construed as one of the sunshiny parts of life, either.

I'm so thankful this season of separation is ending, but I know when it ends there will be a season of adjustment and healing. And, as in this season, God will be in it all.

Marriage Monday: Give Up on The Fairy Tale, Put on The Work Boots

With all the hooplah of the last weeks/ months of the royal wedding, I have been intrigued by the attention focused on the couple. Perhaps I've been more intrigued by how little interest I had in it.

I am not critical of people who were interested in getting up in the middle of the night for it -- there are VERY few things that I will allow to interrupt my sleep, and a wedding of someone not in my immediate family is not one of them. I won't do middle of the night openings of movies, book releases, bargain sales, or store openings either. Maybe if my child were completing an around the world journey on foot or by sea. Maybe -- but I would request them to arrive at a more convenient hour for me.

Something said on "wedding day" -- I'm sure it was said more than once but I avoided fanfare as much as I could -- made me realize what makes me uncomfortable about all of the attention... besides the fact that the lauding from the balcony borders on worship and gives me the heebie jeebies. I heard a radio DJ -- I'm sure not the first person -- mention that it was our "modern day fairy tale".

Wait. There's already been a modern day fairy tale:
Sooooo... how'd that one work out? Color me jaded and cynical, but I just know that this fairy tale day will evaporate into a real life drama of hurts and wounds and health problems and family crises.

I know because it happened to my very own fairy tale wedding and marriage -- only without the paparazzi.

Again, it's fine if you want to become absorbed in this "fairy tale world" -- but if you are dragging your daughters into it, I pray you are spending equal time letting them know that the ONLY rider on a white horse in our fairy tale is Jesus Christ (Revelation 19:11). He is the only one whose love will never fail us, and who will never disappoint us.

I pray all the time for the spouses my children will choose -- that they will be godly men and women who will strengthen their walk with the Lord and complement my children's spiritual gifts. But they will be human. And my children will be human. And the marriage will be work. And there will be heartaches and sad times and difficult things and disappointments.

No, I don't fault anyone that wants to start off a marriage with a lovely ceremony and all manner of fanfare -- don't we all? But I think I bristle at the "fairy tale" concept. Because it simply doesn't work. Because everyone knows that with fairy tale comes "happily ever after" -- and we won't get to happily ever after until that rider on the white horse comes again. I, for one, cannot wait!

Until then, I have much work to do. I must be in prayer for my spouse. I will be honoring my spouse with my words. (LOVED this post from last week -- needed the reminder so much!) I am a co-laborer with him on this planet. And I will disappoint him. And he will disappoint me. And I will forgive. And we will go on because we have committed to each other. It will be hard and beautiful and lovely and messy and hurtful and determined.

It doesn't look like happily ever after. But it's a pretty good thing we have here.

Marriage Monday: Invest in Your Marriage

Today on Marriage Monday I will be speaking to all marriages -- in and out of crisis. Because investing in your marriage is something we all need to do. It can be a preventive or reparative measure, depending on where your marriage is, but we all need to invest in our marriage.

"Invest" can mean a whole list of things: time, money, emotion, energy, whatever. We seem to be short on all of those around here, so it would mean a lot to invest that toward a marriage.

Of course, "investing" can be as simple as a date night, or as extensive/ expensive as a week's vacation away, or an extended time in therapy (I'm not joking -- you may need either, and you can decide which you need the most). Therapy can be costly, but, again, it's an investment that is well worth your marriage.

Think about your television and all that goes to it: Netflix, cable, etc. You should spend at least as much time and money on your marriage as you do in front of the television and on the television, I think. You may even think so, too, and wish your spouse would do that. Well, if you have some leeway in your family's budget or money that is yours "for fun", make that your "date money" -- don't resent your spouse for not thinking of it, bless your spouse and think of it for them.

Dates or mini-vacations don't have to be expensive (TRUST me-- I am the queen of going cheap on this) the important thing is that you take the time to go be with your spouse. Swap babysitting with another couple and just go for ice cream if you have to, but have date time for you.

Beyond dates and time for you, I strongly encourage you to also spend time learning. I confess that I spent YEARS thinking that I had heard PLENTY on the subject of marriage (and, no doubt, I was blessed in my early years to hear a LOT on the subject) but God continues to humble me and reveal to me that there is always more to learn or a new way to think about an old adage.

There is no shortage of resources for learning about marriage: workshops, retreats, books, etc. I have several that I, personally, recommend (DISCLAIMER: some of these I recommend based on personal knowledge, and some of these I recommend based on the advice of others).

Lifeway has a marriage retreat weekend in several cities throughout the country. I have not personally attended one, but they seem VERY reasonably priced for the caliber of experts that are speaking -- with lunch included!

If none of this appeals to you, consider a simple book study. Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas would be first on my list. Gather friends or a small group around you and go through the book together. Or, if you have the opportunity to go to an event where Gary Thomas is speaking, by all means go.

You may be just FIRED UP to go, yet thinking, "Oh, s/he would NEVER go for it... s/he would think it is stupid/ too expensive/ waste of time/ name a reason."

Don't assume your spouse's feelings before you have communicated your own feelings to your spouse.

If you have had conversations in the past that lead you to believe that this conversation may not go well, start by taking your desires before the Lord (Psalm 37:4). After you have prayed about it, tell your spouse: "This event is really important to me to understand you better. Do you have any interest in going?" If yes, then super and start making arrangements. If no, then drop it -- and you have to decide if going alone will build up more resentment for you or you will be able to lay that aside and benefit from the lessons there.

Don't waste time being hurt or resentful that your spouse won't take the lead in any of this. There may be any of a million reasons for that, and if you are a Christian, you are coming at marriage as serving your spouse. How can you serve your spouse? Serve your spouse by taking him/her on a date. Serve your spouse by learning all that you can about how to serve him/ her better. Serve your spouse by knowing and loving God the Father above all so that His love can spill over onto your spouse, also.

Spend your time, money, and energy on your marriage. Invest in your marriage. The dividends are so rewarding.