Looking Back at My Struggles

It's a gray morning here. Rain is in the forecast, and my looming migraine tells me it's on the way.

I don't know -- now that I'm almost half-way through February -- that I will ever go back and confess to you how much I did not get accomplished on my Twelve by 2012 list. I think that was the post where I saw someone write, "I am not one to not finish what I started." It has become glaringly obvious to me that I rarely finish anything that I start.

Except a Diet Coke. 

Seriously.

I get in the middle of projects and leave them half-done and guilt-ridden in the middle of my floor. I make a meal for myself and am SO! HUNGRY! that I SAY to myself that I will clean it up later and... later never comes. As you can imagine, housekeeping is not my strong suit...

However, in looking at my list, I did (somewhat) accomplish 8 of my 12. Instead of registering for a half-marathon, I am now registered for a 10K at Cowtown. I just didn't feel ready to take on that level of training -- mentally or physically.

The thing that most people commented on the most was my "Sarah is unavailable file" -- my file of what will happen when I am deceased. Yeah, that is something I have started and never finished. Don't let anything happen to me until that is finished, okay? And if it does, someone give my poor dog her meds, okay?

I still haven't done much house decorating. Meh.

So, don't you worry. I still have plenty of things to work on IN 2012!

As 2012 is chugging along, I am being made aware day by day of marriages that are struggling, people that are battling some of my same battles, and so many heartaches and heartbreaks in this world.

God is putting on my heart what a blessing my past struggles have been. Places that I have struggled and come out stronger, places that I can look back and still see the battlefield. There are times in my life that I wouldn't take a million dollars to walk back through -- but I wouldn't take a million dollars for the experience, lessons, and blessings that came from those times. From big things like unemployment and marriage struggles and parenting doubts to small things like organizational challenges (yeah, still in the middle of that) to budget struggles (okay... still there) to the diaper days (NO! Not there!)

I am sad with the people that are in the midst of those struggles, but at the same time, I hope that I can foster hope by standing on the other side of the mire and saying, "You can get through it. I promise. I know it's hard. I know you want to quit. It is so worth it. Keep trying."

It's that hope word again. Only available through Christ in me. Powerful.
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect," 1 Peter 3:15

And Christ in me also provides comfort:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Without the hope of Christ, without the comfort of Christ, my past struggles and battles would have completely overwhelmed and consumed me. But God. 

So grateful today. If you're in the midst of a struggle, may Christ in you offer you hope and comfort that another day will come, and that it's not forever. Blessings.

Marriage Monday: 5 Ways to Survive a Crisis With Your Marriage Intact

I have written about marriages in crisis before, but the reality is that many marriages (mine included) come to a time of crisis because the individuals in the marriage were going through a time of external crisis and failed to care for their marriage through the crisis.

In our marriage, we evidently don't do health issues, we do house issues. And, of course, we have had the health issues of our loved ones to contend with. But we have flooded, then five years later had a trench jackhammered through the middle of my home. We have been through unemployment and relocation in the last year alone -- okay, year and a half.  We know some stress.

You do, too, no doubt, and yours will be different from mine. One thing I have learned is we each have our own "freak out level." Don't judge people whose freak out level is 12 steps away from yours -- they are doing the best that they can with the tools they have been given. It doesn't mean they are weak, it means they haven't developed the same muscles that you have. All is grace.

Of course, this should apply to your spouse, as well.

5 Ways to Survive a Crisis With Your Marriage Intact
1) Start With a Firm Foundation: if you're in the middle of crisis now, this is like telling you that you should have learned to swim as you are slipping underwater in rough seas. I don't mean to do that, of course. But if you aren't in the middle of a life crisis, you know that eventually you will have one. A dear friend, Beverly Ross, says: "Prepare in the light for when the darkness comes." Yes, the darkness will come into your life. Learn to communicate with your spouse, know how you handle stress, hows/he handles stress. Have the best relationship with your spouse that you possibly can in the great times so that you will make it through the tough times.

2) Be the grown-up as much as possible: No doubt, crisis brings out the worst in all of us. Besides making us lose our temper and our cool, it can also bring about physical symptoms (headaches, sick stomach, achy muscles, etc.) that add to you wanting to lash out. (Some tricks to help you relax in times of stress.) But remember that whatever crisis you are in, your spouse is to some degree, even if only because s/he wants to help and take the load off as much as possible and may not know how. And sometimes your spouse will blow his/ her top. The words he is saying may be, "Can't you hold the flashlight still??" But the meaning behind it is: "I am stressed beyond belief about how we are going to pay for this." Understand that. Getting into a shouting match about how still you ARE holding the flashlight isn't going to help diffuse the situation. Along the same lines:

3) Bite your tongue as much as possible: One of the ways you may want to "prepare in the light for when the darkness comes" (that I confess I have not) is commit Philippians 4:8 to memory: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things." And then... only speak those things, as well. On the flip side:


4) Speak up as much as possible: Remind your spouse of the positives in the situation (do you have medical insurance? A 2nd car for while the first is in the shop? do you have each other?) Whatever you can think of. Also, as you can, step back and let your spouse know s/he is doing a great job of handling the situation or easing your load or whatever. Notice the little things... and speak up.


5) Take care of yourself and encourage your spouse to do the same: ESPECIALLY when you are in it for the long haul: caring for a sick parent or child, unemployment, whatever, each of you should see the necessity of taking care of yourself physically. It's the airplane analogy of putting the oxygen mask over your own face first before you put it over the person you are traveling with. Why? Because people who have passed out from lack of oxygen are unable to help the people around them get oxygen. Exercise. Get sleep. Eat right. All of those things you don't want to think about when it feels that your world is imploding. 


I know of one amazing mom who is currently going through her third year of chemo treatments for her 5 year old daughter. Due to medical facilities, etc., they decided this year --- in a few weeks' time -- to move 150 miles away, closer to better treatment options. Through ALL of this, she does all that she can to get out for a walk or run every day (it doesn't always happen). I so admire her for this and what it models to her family. She knows that a few minutes of exercise can hit the recharge button, clear the brain, and allow her to be the best mom possible to her girls. Of course, she also encourages her husband to go on his bike rides. They make quite a team.


Crisis will come, but it doesn't have to take your marriage with it. Some wise people allow crisis to forge their marriage into a stronger entity than before. May that be the case for you!


So many of you have great thoughts on this. Other ideas? What to do during times of crisis to make sure it doesn't hurt your marriage?

Marriage Monday: Pray for Your Spouse

Hey y’all! I trust that everyone had a restful weekend.... I know. Rolling my eyes here, too. We don’t do those in early December, do we? Surely the Lord’s birth means flit to and fro like a crazy person to band concerts, shopping malls, football games (oh, stars... I am just now drying out... good season, Eagles), adorable pageants and the like. All memories to behold.

For marriage Monday today, I want to encourage each of us -- starting with me -- to be faithful in prayer for our spouses. Praying WITH your spouse is also a beautiful, intimate exercise that shouldn’t be overlooked. But praying for your spouse is a privilege I want to encourage each of us to take on.

If you have been to Marriage Monday a time or two, you may know that I speak to marriages in crisis, as well as marriages in better places. ALL marriages will benefit from a praying spouse.

If you are a marriage in crisis, sometimes it’s hard to pray for your spouse without praying for your spouse to be an entirely different person altogether. Last week in Bible class at church someone mentioned that their children like to use evening prayers to tattle to God about their siblings and try to get God to fix them:

“And, Lord, please remind Caitlyn to ask me before she uses any of my stuff... even though I will probably say ‘no’...”

“Dear God, please help Holly not to be so mean and bossy all the time...”

When Troy and I have been in the worst places of our marriage, I prayed to know how to love him more purely. I prayed that our marriage would be healed. I prayed to forgive past hurts so that I could see when he was making honest efforts toward our marriage.

I’m sure I have prayed for Troy to be someone he’s not -- but my pride is preventing me from remembering it right now. :-)

I wrote an article about a time that I drew a line in the sand with the Lord and told him I wasn’t going to forgive Troy -- and the Lord pretty much crawled ALL up in my grill ‘bout that. (Note to self: don’t do that to the Lord.)

Now that we are at least on a somewhat even keel around here, I try to remember that it is my honor and my privilege to pray for my husband. There are SO many things I can pray for on a daily basis - too many to list here.

If I truly listen to him when he comes home from work, that is a huge pile of concerns and burdens on his heart that I can pray peace over for him. I pray over his friendships, that he would be led to godly men that would encourage him in his walk of faith. I do pray for him as a father, not to “fix” him, as mentioned before, but to strengthen him and guide him (pity’s sake -- who couldn’t use a little strength and guidance as a parent these days??)

If you are thankful for your husband, a) TELL HIM REGULARLY and b) thank God for him regularly. But also remember to ask him what you can be praying for for him. He may just give voice to that which you already know, or he may pour out a concern that you had no idea he was struggling with.

I found this list that includes ways to pray for your spouse.

And, many of you are probably familiar with the “Power of a Praying” series by Stormie O’Martian. Those are good -- but you need a full hour of prayer time if you are going to be a powerfully praying wife, parent, daughter, friend, pet-owner, and citizen. But I do believe she has a great guideline to pray over those that you love on a daily basis.

Whether you fell like you need a guide or simply want to be consistent in your prayer life for your spouse, just be sure you are praying. And I will join you in being more faithful. And we can revolutionize the world with prayed over spouses and marriages!

What about you? Do you have great resources or words of encouragement for praying for your spouse?

Marriage Monday Favorites

I'm sure you had Marriage Monday on your calendar yesterday and missed it horribly -- HA! :-)

I have been a bit under the weather and blogging has had to take a back seat as I wallowed all over the couch, then the bed, then resumed my couch wallowing not too long ago.

So, to keep up with some Marriage Mondays, I thought I would share with you some of my most popular (top 3) and the bottom 2 are my personal favorites. I'll see you back here soon:

     *Marriage Monday: When Your Marriage Is In Crisis

     *Marriage Monday: Be the Cheerleader!!

     *Marriage Monday: Encouraging Words

     *Marriage Monday: This is "Worse"... Are You In?

     *Marriage Monday: Speak Well of Your Spouse

I am finding that I don't do "down time" as well as I thought I did. I typically set aside Sunday afternoons for my do-nothing time and do just that -- absolutely nothing, and feel zero guilt about it. However I'm finding that I am not relaxing well when there is so much that needs to be done around my house and other places.

I doubt I'm alone. What about you: how do you handle forced down time?

Top Posts for October

If you would like to catch up on some posts you may have missed, here are my top posts for the month of October:

     *Marriage Monday: When Your Marriage Is In Crisis

     *Twelve by 2012

     *Marriage Monday: Get Your Marriage Out of a Rut

     *Decorating for Halloween? Yay or Nay?

     *Marriage Monday: Be the Cheerleader!!

     *Please Tell Me You Can Relate

     *Not Quite Meeting My Goals

     *Are You A Seeker... Or Just Seeking the Seekers?

     *Walking in Faith

     *Can You Hear Me Now?


Thanks for stopping by! Tomorrow I will catch you up on how I did (or didn't) do on my October goals and see about some November goals. Be thinking about yours!

Marriage Monday: When Your Marriage Is In Crisis

Most of my recent Marriage Monday posts have been fairly fluffy: hold hands, be nice, date your spouse, and say nice words.

Those are still awesome things to do, no doubt, but I have encountered several marriages the last week that are way too far gone for those things. Still, hear me say this: even one party willing to do these things can change the course of an empty shell of a marriage.

So, you look up, and realize that your marriage is in crisis. Because I am open about the fact that Troy and I walked for a time through crisis, I have had more than one woman talk to me about their marriage struggles. I don't always advise each of these things, depending on where the woman is, but none of them is a bad idea.

1) Guard your heart: if you are discontent in your marriage, you are a lightning rod for an affair. That sounds harsh, but I had someone say the same thing to me while I was saying how crazy I was about my husband but something just was missing. Then, when I started talking to a man who would actually listen to me and seemed concerned for me, the warning came back to me. "THIS is what I need to guard against!!" Spend time in prayer, and be hyper-vigilant about who you spend your time around (in person and online) and where your mind goes.

If it's too late for this warning emotionally, GET OUT of that relationship. If it's too late for this warning physically, GET OUT of that relationship. It doesn't mean your marriage is over, it does mean you have FAR more clean up to do.

2) Find someone you can trust to confide in and who will be a champion for your marriage. When my marriage was in crisis, I had several people offer to counsel with me. I graciously declined any contact from divorced women. (It's a long story, but I didn't know any of them very well). That wasn't where I wanted to end up. I wanted to stay married, so I sought out married people to pray with me and for me. Now that I know those women better, I know they love my husband and myself and would have encouraged us to stay married, but I couldn't have known that at the time. I still think I was wise to be discerning in who I sought counsel from.

However, I also couldn't have done it alone. To this day, I call my prayer group my Mark 2 friends. Mark 2 tells the story of the crippled man who couldn't get into the house because it was so crowded, so his friends took him up on the roof, dug through the roof, and lowered him to Jesus to be healed. My friends got me to the foot of the cross when I was too broken and wounded to get there myself. You need friends like that. Don't have one you can trust? Pray that God reveal them to you. That is how I found mine.


3) Spend your own time in prayer. Even if you're hurt and angry and not sure what to say. Tell God. Tell God how hurt you are. Tell God that you aren't sure what to pray any more. Tell God that you aren't sure you even have the strength to stay married and be nice one more day, and if you have it, it will have to all come from Him. Because He knows. And it delights Him to hear you come to Him and tell Him. If you have children, you KNOW how it thrills your soul, yet blesses you to no end for your little one to crawl up in your lap, chin quivering, and just let it all out to you, even when you know. Let God have such a delight.


4) Seek professional help. Get counseling. If your spouse won't go, you go. Expensive? Sure. Priced divorces and two households lately? Counseling is cheap in comparison. Many places have a sliding pay scale based on your income. I have said this before and sadly say it again: my own experiences lead me to not give a huge endorsement to pastoral counseling (that which you can generally get for free at a church). If it is a licensed counselor, it would be better than nothing, but if it is your own church, it is usually better to seek counseling elsewhere.

This is obviously not a comprehensive list. Marriages and their bumps and bruises are as individual as the people within them. My personal opinion is that a marriage is NEVER too far gone to be repaired, but both members have to be willing to put on their work clothes and work gloves, and they will need a support system. Come Have a Peace blog has been sharing some AMAZING marriage survivor stories on Mondays (you may have to look through the archives). It's never too late.

If your marriage is in crisis, I truly pray you will seek and find help.

For those of us that have walked through it, who has more, different, and/or better advice? What would you say to a struggling couple?