Marriage Monday: Ask for What You Need or Want

My background is in Education, and my degree is technically a dual major in Elementary and Special Education. A BIG deal in Special Education, specifically, but also throughout the younger grades, was for a child to ask for what s/he needs or wants.

Side note: this goes a long way in parenting, too. An 18-month old child is capable of speaking or signing "Juice, please." or "Drink, please." Which is FAR preferable to the child pointing and shrieking at the juice cup. Any child that has been taught to ask for what he or she needs or wants is much more enjoyable to be around than those that have not.

True, I get VERY lazy (and sarcastic) in my parenting and have been known to either respond to the teenage equivalent of point/ shriek (the grunt) by handing them what they want or the "We're out of milk..." with a snarky, "That's interesting. How do you plan for it to appear on the shopping list?"

Newsflash: Adults must also ask for what they need or want!

So, why am I surprised when my spouse is unable to read my mind? I have realized that after nineteen  years of marriage (next Monday! Woot!) that sometimes I STILL expect him to magically know my schedule and that I need him to pick up some slack or that I need him to do something he doesn't usually or that I need him to do 'x'.

Guess what? He doesn't know. He is an awesome man, but he still can't read my mind. And for me to become angry at him for not knowing what I need or want before I have actually verbalized it is the equivalent to him becoming angry at me for not being able to sprout wings and fly over the traffic. Which would be totally way cool, but I still can't do it.

When life gets that evil "b" word (busy) it's easy to start going our own way and make thoughts, plans and expectations on our own. When we fail to ask for what we need or want, resentment piles up as we assume our needs are being ignored altogether.

I say it often: Communication is very fragile.

Now I will say this often: Ask for what you need or want.

Marriage Monday: Speak Well of Your Spouse

If you tuned in here yesterday, you saw a link I posted to Michael Hyatt's blog about the way you talk about your spouse. I couldn't believe I've never had a Marriage Monday about it (have I? You'll have to tell me -- I don't know!) (Incidentally, or not, Michael Hyatt said that was one of his most frequently shared -- on Facebook -- blog posts. Hmmmm...)

This is HUGE to me. I can't stand to go to a Girl's Night Out and it turn into a "trash talk your man" night. And -- let it be known that it has been YEARS since I have been faced with such a situation. Most of us that are still married at this stage realize what a good thing we've got going.

I have reminded people (including my spouse) many times: I am a writer. Words are my love language. Words have weight. Don't even say something to me or about me and then say, "Oh, I was 'just kiddin'" No. Words ALWAYS mean something. And if you are married to me, honor me with your words (and he does!)

If you are just tuning in via Marriage Monday, Wifey Wednesday, or someplace else, you may not be aware that my husband is temporarily living 200 miles away during the week for work and coming home on the weekend. (Do you hear that, Lord, it's temporary, right? Please pray with me in agreement about this -- we need a house to sell! I digress...) Obviously, this makes communication... fragile, at best.

At one point during this arrangement I let Troy know that I didn't like something he had said in front of other people over a weekend. I felt like it made me sound naggy and domineering.

"Well, why didn't you say something then?" was the reply... (I'm sure this whole convo was via text message like all the deep ones are these days.)

"I didn't want to bring it up in front of those other people, but I wanted to let you know (now) for future reference."

"That's fair. Thank you."

One of the comments on the Michael Hyatt post said something along the lines of "a good spouse and a good leader both will praise in public, correct in private." That is exactly what I was trying to do at that point. There was no point in starting an awkward and uncomfortable conversation about "What did you mean by THAT???" in front of our friends when Troy said what he did, but at the same time, I needed to let him know (in private, gently) so that we could clear the air and start fresh later.

Let me say that this whole arrangement is something I have had to learn from doing it wrong for many, many years. It all takes time and balance. We are headed into 19 years of marriage. We are starting to get the hang of it!

As Michael Hyatt pointed out, affirmation strengthens your spouse's best qualities. Want to see more of that amazing guy you married? Tell all of your friends how amazing he is. Whether he is there or not. It will get back to him. And he will, in turn, treat you like a queen. Trust me on this.

Affirmation also changes your own attitude. I still laugh to myself -- because I have done it, too -- about one friend who was goo-goo over some boy. She told me about this one super-precious thing he always did. After they had been married about 3 years -- it drove her crazy. And, yes, I reminded her. Affirm to remind yourself what a good job you did picking out a spouse.

Words mean things and are powerful. Use yours to tell others and your spouse how thankful you are for your spouse, and what you love about your spouse.

How have words affected relationships of yours (marriage or other) in the past?

Friday Funny

So, on Monday, I posted my Communication is Very Fragile post. Yesterday, I was looking for something entirely different and saw that years ago I posted this that I had entitled, "Communication is Very, Very Fragile." Still true. And Hilarious.

(repost)

This reminds me of many conversations I have in my house. I hate to tell them, but communication between the genders is not likely to get any better any time soon.

Communication is Very Fragile

This is a phrase I heard at least a bajillion times -- give or take a million -- as a senior in high school. I went to a Christian high school and had Bible every year as an academic class. My senior year the entire class was about marriage. We had many different topics and assignments, but this phrase stands out more than any other: "Communication is very fragile."

Think about it. The WAY you say something can change an entire meaning. "Thanks a lot!" said sincerely with a smile invokes warm fuzzies. "Thanks a lot!" with an eye roll and sneer shows you honestly didn't appreciate my input at that moment.

You may have heard me say I struggle with migraines. Obviously, in the middle of a horrible migraine, not only do I not think very clearly, I don't express myself well. I try not to make any big decisions or business decisions, but when migraines start piling up, sometimes life has to carry on no matter what.

Last night we had a laughable miscommunication. When you have one party with a migraine and the other party happens to be a 13 year old boy, chances are good that communication will break down at some point. I made myself some dinner then crawled back to my bed. Trying to tell Riley to put my leftovers in the refrigerator, he evidently heard "throw them away" (it's a long story, but something was to be thrown away, too... just not my dinner). Communication is very fragile.

Things like this happen so frequently in relationships: marriages and/ or friendships alike. I'm still grieving a friendship to someone who understood me to mean one thing at one point when I meant something entirely different -- and let it go almost a year before I finally asked what the problem in our relationship was. At that point, a few more things had built up, and the relationship is beyond repair at this point. Communication is very fragile.

Ask. Clarify. What I usually say to Riley, when I don't feel as if my head is about to roll off my shoulders is, "Tell me what you understand you are to do." Then he will repeat to me what he thinks his task is (throw my food away) and we can clear things up then. I am thankful when people believe that our relationship is worth the asking and clarifying.

Very early in our marriage, leaving the house on a Christmas morning, I was complaining that the only pictures one ever takes of me was on Christmas and my hair was stupid that day. The way I worded made it sound (to Troy) like I thought he was being an insensitive oaf at the moment. Communication is very fragile. And I was so thankful he said something!

Oh -- and texting and emailing: throws a whole level of potential snafoos into communication! Ask and clarify. Ask and clarify. Communication is very fragile.

Relationships that are worth investing in don't just happen along. If you have any in your life: friendships, family, or a marriage, don't let a miscommunication trash it. Ask and clarify.

Communication is very, very fragile

This reminds me of many conversations I have in my house. I hate to tell them, but communication between the genders is not likely to get any better any time soon.