A friend -- acquaintance, really -- that I don't know super well, but has given me the honor of hearing some fairly personal information, is really struggling in marriage. I will call that friend, FOGMC (Friend whO is Going to Marriage Counseling!) And, it would mean a lot to both FOGMC and myself if you would pray for FOGMC. I'm being totally serious. God knows who it is, and a marriage is in crisis.
Listening to FOGMC, I realize many things, but it seems to me that the main one is that spouse is pretty much where, in FOGMC's eyes -- can do nothing right. If spouse tries to do right things, it is too little too late and only to keep FOGMC from leaving. If spouse doesn't do right things, well, it's just more of the same. FOGMC openly admitted frustration and was heading to counseling and asked for prayers and a little advice. I have way more in the prayer department than I do advice!
I've been there, haven't you? Okay, maybe YOU are still a gooey newlywed. But what about the grouchy person next to you? Haven't YOU been where your spouse breathing/ helping/ walking/ being upright was annoying to you and you were CONVINCED you married the wrong person?
How did you get out of it? Are you out of it? You should really get out of it. Let me tell you how.
One thing I thought of while talking with FOGMC was that I try to step back and remember what made me fall head over heels for my cowboy in the first place. Of course, it helped that he was crazy about ME. :-) But I look for those things that I remember from the "gooey love" days that I was crazy about... and if I look around, still am crazy about.
I try to remember to bite my tongue about the stuff that doesn't matter -- and remind myself how much it doesn't matter.
If something is hugely important to me, I calmly make it known. Too often, I do this backwards and fuss and gripe about the little things, yet the really big things I will swallow and stew on for... whatever reason. "Well, he should know!" Uh-- how will he know if I don't tell him??
And, when it all boils down to it, I start to date him again. Not necessarily take him out on a date. That would require us being in the same zip code AND awake for longer than 47 minutes. Our life isn't lending itself to that currently. But remember when you were dating? When you called just because you HAD to hear his voice? Or you sent him funny stuff in the mail? Or left cute stuff in his car? (Yes, I'm making mental notes of all the things I should be doing...)
I have really been enjoying the Dating Divas website for all of their great ideas for dates and other ways to say "I love you". Here is a list of things that weigh 13 ounces or less, so can be mailed for around a dollar or two. I love that this lady just sticks them in the mail. A flip flop. A playground ball. Whatev. How fun is that? Send some mail to your spouse at work to break up an otherwise blechy week.
What about you? Do you have any thoughts or ideas? When life presses in and you just seem stuck?
1 comment:
As you know, I/we've had our own marriage struggles. Also, as you know, I have a LONG drive to work. Hubs and I both start work early, but he beats me by about 45 minutes--and that is how long my drive is. So I call him once I get in the car after he and the kids have left. We don't really even talk--just an "I love you."
BUT on those long, long drives I often think of things about him that I love--or remember things from twenty years hence when we really WERE dating--so when I get to work, I e-mail him and tell him so. He's a man, you know, so the sap isn't always that same for him--but he appreciates that I think about him.
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