Not Quite Meeting My Goals

It's way more than halfway through the month, and this isn't really "checking in" about my October goals. This is more like "true confessions" about where I am because I set unrealistic goals for myself.

When I made my October goals, I was making them for the best Sarah there is. Now that I am 80% finished with the month, I have to face reality: Sarah suffers from migraines that knock me out of commission. Sarah still struggles with organization and discipline (which is why goals are a good thing). Sarah's first priority in life right now is taking care of a family that go 15 different directions on any given day.

The best Sarah there is doesn't actually exist. It's okay to try and be her, but most days you won't.

It all came to a head this weekend, in the midst of a crazy-busy time anyway, but I ran a 5k (as mentioned) and had a time goal I wanted to make. Granted, it was a VERY slow time goal, but faster than I have been going (and less walking). I made my goal! Only I didn't... What? Okay, according to MY watch, I made my goal. According to the race timer, no way. There was a 3 minute discrepancy, and this is NOT a huge race. I know it didn't take me 3 minutes to cross the starting line if my chip started with the starting gun and not when I crossed the starting line (which is bogus anyway).

So, truth. I was bummed. Like, really bummed. Bummed WAY out of proportion with the event and life impact. And it just piled up. I had a bit of a drive back from the race, which just left time for me to ponder all of the October goals I'm not meeting: my words/ day -- not. even. close -- , my mileage and exercise, my quiet time (which is why this all bothers me, I'm sure).

Of course, the rest of Saturday, like every other Saturday, I had a bajillion things to do. I woke up early on Sunday for church which was wonderful. After lunch, I did what I was needing most: I crawled into my jammies and slept. For a very long time. And I didn't get back out of my jammies for the rest of the day. Oh, I had places I SHOULD have gone, but I was done with shoulds. As firmly as I believe in goals and aspirations, I believe in rest. And I believe that is much of what was missing from my mental fortitude.

Monday came and I was up, like always, at 4:45 a.m. so I could be out the door at 5:15 to meet my running partner. The further we ran the more the fog rolled in and by the time I took second child to school at 9, I could barely see.

However, being out like I was, I made a right at the light instead of left when it was time to come home. I did this:

I treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte', some oatmeal, Bible study, and blogging at Starbucks waiting for the roads to clear again. I regrouped. I started over. I went someplace away from my usual spot to not have the usual laundry and mess yelling at me about OTHER goals that I'm not meeting. I let Jesus talk to me -- but he kind of had to shout over the espresso machine and the little boy making siren noises -- and remind me that I am to extend grace to everyone... including myself.

Then, later in the day, I read these quotes from John Bingham in The Courage to Start:
"Running made me aware that the true difference between success and failure, between winning and losing, is often our willingness to be honest about what success means."
"(Running) has meant finding a way to fail and not be a failure. It has meant finding a way to experience both the best and the worst that I am and accept them equally."
Redefining success. The best and worst that I am, accepting each equally. Yes. That is what I must do.

 So I'm more rested and I'm re-evaluating and I'm moving on. I'm still working toward my goals.
I'll get back to you. Until soon...


Roxanne Langley said...

Totally stole this quote from someone's comment on Joshilyn Jackson's blog.

“Because it breaks my heart to know that so many amazing women are waking up at 3 o’clock in the morning and abusing themselves for not having gone to art school, or for not having learned to speak French, or for not having organized the neighborhood scavenger hunt. I fear that—if we continue this mad quest for perfection—we will all end up as stressed-out and jumpy as those stray cats who live in Dumpsters behind Chinese restaurants, forever scavenging for scraps of survival while pulling out their own hair in hyper vigilant anxiety.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

My successful failing looked like me balling my eyes out on my way to photograph a Cross Country meet (for which I was an hour late because they changed the time to 4:00 but no one told me. . .) for free (like I do every week--and I LOVE it) for ALL the kids ('cause a lot of them have parents that don't come) even though most people leave when their child's heat is over. And I don't. Ever. I keep on snapping away. And I was so busy last week I didn't even look at my graduate school website and totally missed my mid-term exam. And I epically failed at teaching a couple of days because I was trying to teach WHILE I screened children for a visual disorder because I don't have time built into my day to screen the children, but now that early and late busses are cut, there is not time built in for kids to come early or stay late. . .so I try to teach AND screen simultaneously. Oh, and I taught all 600 8th graders at our school last Thursday in large group instruction. And made three videos for it and found three others to supplement. . .and also made the rubric and graphic organizer choice page. AND STILL I WONDER why I can't get my house clean. . .or exercise. . .or YOU NAME IT.

I am glad you detoured to Starbucks, and I am VERY SAD that there were ANY siren noises anywhere near you--either real emergencies or pre-school contrivances. Obviously, I needed to read you blog post. . .and the above is the rest of my e-mail that I didn't tell you. At least that's most of it. There is more. ..but that's enough to get the point across.

I am WAY STOKED that you ran a 5K. GO. YOU. I am being very diligent with my hip recovery (have I even TOLD you about that? It's BAD.) and with my water drinking. (I am now "down" to one Diet Coke a day. . .and I normally don't have it until lunch.) So. Too much work. No caffeine. Hormonal surge approacheth. . .and I couldn't even manage to read to the bottom of your e-mail that you sent until later. See--still beating myself up. . .need more grace. I need to make a list of things I do right, because I normally only recall the ones I do wrong.

Julie Locke said...

Okay, so I am obviously behind on your blog, and I'll tell you how I know this. It all started when I was driving home just now and I heard a little blurb on the radio station where someone was talking names Glenn Villanueva, and then I had to go to the website to see if it was the Glenn Villanueva I used to know, and indeed it was, and then I saw my brother follows that website, as does our youth minister, and then I found YOU there! And then I read that your iPhone fell and could not get, and I came here to find that post and properly respond to it, and I kept clicking and clicking "older posts" and alas, I could not find it. Which made me realize that I have missed a lot here, which makes me want to wake up at 3:00 in the morning and beat myself up about it. But (thanks to Roxanne's quote) I will not.

But I am very, very, very sorry about your iPhone. Because I, like you, am an iPhone lover.


Sarah S. said...

Oh, Julie... all is grace! (You have GOT to read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp if you haven't already. And it is NOT a check out of the library book. It is an own, highlight, and read again and again book -- grace, thanksgiving, joy... live it!) All truly is grace. You are busy molding little minds. Who has time to keep up with my blathering? And the iPhone post was one I wrote specifically for Shoestring ministries (Glen's site) -- but should repost here. HOWEVER -- it actually has the BEST. ENDING. EVER!! So, later that day I realize my bluetooth is also not working. Wait at The Apple Store for an hour (even having an appointment) and they replace it FOR FREE -- because of the bluetooth snafoo! Suh-WEET!! All is grace!

Sarah S. said...

I'm frightened about the words "hip recovery" -- it sounds suspiciously like it may lead to "hip replacement" and we seem a bit young for that. No caffeine is good. I've fallen back off that wagon, hence the migraines. Love the quote. Awesomeness.

Jamie Kocur said...

A pumpkin spice latte makes everything better.
I have to take those time outs often to regroup. And it usually happens in a coffee shop.

stephanie said...

Every time I stop into Starbucks I see someone, or several someones, in there having a cup-o-something while a Bible lay open in front of them. But time to be still is rare for a busy mom, but so very vital. Glad you got a few minutes to chill, and even then you were double-fisting it :) (Bible + latte!)

Sarah S. said...

This little outing reminded me that the IDEA of a coffee shop regrouping is always better than reality. This Starbucks doesn't blare their music as loudly as others -- which is nice -- but there is the banging of the espresso machine, which is mighty, and there are the young moms who refuse to take their kids to McDonald's, but really should, as evidenced by the little boy who made siren noises for 10 solid minutes... ugh. But it was a guilty pleasure.

Sarah S. said...

It's definitely a good time. When I mentioned at dinner about going there, one of the kids asked, "Do you do that every day?" Oh, right -- $4 coffee and hours lounging there. Bless them. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Jamie Kocur said...

I worked in a coffee shop for awhile, so the espresso machine and milk frother are kind of comforting sounds for me. The screaming kids... not so much.

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