Is it only a female thing to need to tread lightly when you have good news to share? "Good news! Good news!" and you'll relay the good news -- pregnancy, job happy, weight loss, life happy, whatever. The smile freezes, the eyes glaze, and you get the automaton: "That IS great news! Congratulations!" A few days or weeks later, friend and/or loved one returns to discuss why such hasn't happened to them, and they truly are so very happy for you, but when is it my turn in the sunshine?
Do only women do this to each other? Or are we equally self-centered to generally think of other people's successes as our own personal failures? Why do we do that?
I've heard one speculation that it's because (this makes it only a female thing) in the old days -- when I was growing up -- little boys played team sports and little girls competed in pageants, causing girls to be eye-clawing competitive. I've never played a team sport or competed in a pageant, but I have had to confess envy at others' good news.
I have no answers, just a discussion topic. And if you have to ask, then, yes, I probably am talking about you -- but I thought I was talking about myself!
7 comments:
Ok, that would be the pounds lost by you and I'm really thinking "I could do that too if I would just TRY!" I'm not thinking how I hate you and wish I could have my daddy kill you :-)
I think that for whatever reason women are a bit more competitive over life stuff. I don't know why, could it be a nesting issue, she nest's better than me...I do know that I have a specific friend who will go giddy for me when I tell her good news. I want to be like her, and I have been praying for God to mold my heart in this specific area...find joy for others without feeling like a loser for not making the same accomplishment. God has moved my heart closer to that since I have been praying, I am not there yet, but I am farther along than I was before I started praying about it.
My opinion: jealousy knows no gender boundaries. Team sports played by boys require competitiveness, which is a prime ingredient in jealousy. We seem to be born with it - you've watched little kids wanting what their chums have - so there's no reason to feel bad about it unless it rules us as adults. And I can be happy for your achievements even while wishing I had some of it myself. That's healthy as long as I don't start wishing I could have it INSTEAD of you.
I'll say "thank you to Tammy M. for opening my eyes to a wonderful prayer I certainly need to incorporate into my life and to Dad for helping me not feel so bad that though I can feel happy for your accomplishments, I can also wish them for myself. And to Sarah, I apologize for not being more happy about your weight loss. I am truly happy for you as I know of your hard work and dedication of your efforts. Yes, I am very jealous as well, because I'd like some of that, too. I do need to work on keeping my disappointments to myself better and learn how to be more genuinely happy for you. I ask you for forgiveness and patience for me. You did look very cute at the gym, Tuesday, by the way.
Okay. . .so I'm assuming you've lost weight? :)
I think the whole green-eyed monster thing has to do with self doubt on the part of the person who isn't "quite" so happy about another's good news. It's not a "why does she get this instead of me" thing. . .it's a "what is WRONG with me that I can't have this when I've wanted it for so long" thing. At least for me it is.
I'm always wondering what stone I've left unturned, what thing I procrastinated (I've got a list of about a million right this second) that my life's plan is not on track or whatever. In my own weight loss attempt (7 pounds since Jan 1st), I have, over the past two days, indulged in three healthy bowls of Blue Bell Cookies 'n Cream, because I use food to self-medicate when I am stressed. . .and as you heard my crazy talk on the phone yesterday, you know I am, indeed, stressed. (Tony has not wavered in his stance, hence the THIRD bowl of extra strength Blue Bell today--just being honest here).
So tomorrow when I get on the scales and my 7 pound weight loss has gone to only 6, then I see you "lookin' cute at the gym" I keep thinking of what a loser I was for succumbing to stress and the Siren song of Blue Bell. (This last part is hypothetical seeing as how I always think you look cute. . .and I've seen about every weight you've ever been. . .AND as how I stand a snowball's chance in hell of seeing you at the gym since you're in Abilene and I'm in Houston.)
So there are my thoughts. . .I think more than anything it has to do with demons we've battled all of our lives (you personally know my demons), and reaching adult hood, getting married, having children, gaining wisdom, doesn't make the demons go away--we still have to battle them. . .
I love you.
R--
Just have to add here, for the sake of levity, that my blogger id "word" is qckndedh. . .first of all, I had to actually WORK at pronouncing it, and secondly I think it would read "Quick 'n dead" were there enough vowels. Yipers.
AND you already know that I'm incredibly jealous that you get to speak at a women's day event. . .and that you get to blog your wonderful thoughts. . .and that you get to have a coffee club while I slug away teaching 6th graders. Jealous, yes--THU-RILLED for you, yes. (and proud of you for doing it, and jealous of all the people that get to be with my friend when I don't, and . . .)
R--
Euwfg--since we have a fig tree in our yard, to me it comes out as "Ew, fig" as in a fig that is rotten--which none of ours ever get to be because the birds eat them first. Levity, levity. . ."Bursting. . .no one said there was going to be bursting."
I have to agree with the last friend. I think for me personally, it's not so much jealousy, but that I hold myself to this incredibly difficult standard that no one could ever live up to. I have to work on not constantly picking myself apart and critiquing every action, thought, wardrobe choice, etc. and giving myself the kind of grace that God would give me. I guess we are all motivated by such different things - if we could figure out human behavior, we wouldn't have therapists, chocolate, or Oprah anymore! M.C.
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