It's way more than halfway through the month, and this isn't really "checking in" about my October goals. This is more like "true confessions" about where I am because I set unrealistic goals for myself.
When I made my October goals, I was making them for the best Sarah there is. Now that I am 80% finished with the month, I have to face reality: Sarah suffers from migraines that knock me out of commission. Sarah still struggles with organization and discipline (which is why goals are a good thing). Sarah's first priority in life right now is taking care of a family that go 15 different directions on any given day.
The best Sarah there is doesn't actually exist. It's okay to try and be her, but most days you won't.
It all came to a head this weekend, in the midst of a crazy-busy time anyway, but I ran a 5k (as mentioned) and had a time goal I wanted to make. Granted, it was a VERY slow time goal, but faster than I have been going (and less walking). I made my goal! Only I didn't... What? Okay, according to MY watch, I made my goal. According to the race timer, no way. There was a 3 minute discrepancy, and this is NOT a huge race. I know it didn't take me 3 minutes to cross the starting line if my chip started with the starting gun and not when I crossed the starting line (which is bogus anyway).
So, truth. I was bummed. Like, really bummed. Bummed WAY out of proportion with the event and life impact. And it just piled up. I had a bit of a drive back from the race, which just left time for me to ponder all of the October goals I'm not meeting: my words/ day -- not. even. close -- , my mileage and exercise, my quiet time (which is why this all bothers me, I'm sure).
Of course, the rest of Saturday, like every other Saturday, I had a bajillion things to do. I woke up early on Sunday for church which was wonderful. After lunch, I did what I was needing most: I crawled into my jammies and slept. For a very long time. And I didn't get back out of my jammies for the rest of the day. Oh, I had places I SHOULD have gone, but I was done with shoulds. As firmly as I believe in goals and aspirations, I believe in rest. And I believe that is much of what was missing from my mental fortitude.
Monday came and I was up, like always, at 4:45 a.m. so I could be out the door at 5:15 to meet my running partner. The further we ran the more the fog rolled in and by the time I took second child to school at 9, I could barely see.
However, being out like I was, I made a right at the light instead of left when it was time to come home. I did this:
I treated myself to a Pumpkin Spice Latte', some oatmeal, Bible study, and blogging at Starbucks waiting for the roads to clear again. I regrouped. I started over. I went someplace away from my usual spot to not have the usual laundry and mess yelling at me about OTHER goals that I'm not meeting. I let Jesus talk to me -- but he kind of had to shout over the espresso machine and the little boy making siren noises -- and remind me that I am to extend grace to everyone... including myself.
Then, later in the day, I read these quotes from John Bingham in The Courage to Start:
"Running made me aware that the true difference between success and failure, between winning and losing, is often our willingness to be honest about what success means."Redefining success. The best and worst that I am, accepting each equally. Yes. That is what I must do.
"(Running) has meant finding a way to fail and not be a failure. It has meant finding a way to experience both the best and the worst that I am and accept them equally."
So I'm more rested and I'm re-evaluating and I'm moving on. I'm still working toward my goals.
I'll get back to you. Until soon...