Missing Sarah

We all have the crazy times. Days that turn into weeks where most conversations are in the car on the way to basketball games or practice or a school activity or a meeting at church. Sometimes after a few days or, heaven forbid, weeks of crazy time at the Stirman house Troy and I will collapse into bed and I will cuddle up entirely too close to Troy and tell him, "I miss you!" His response is always, "I'm right here!" Of course I'm saying that I miss the real him, the him that I can sit in his big green chair with, the him that tells me about his day and the him that listens to my funny stories of my day.

I realized today that I miss me. Most of you aren't even aware that I'm gone! Oh, I'm still here, and you may see me in passing but no one has seen me for long enough lately to realize I'm not the me I used to be. Remember the Sarah that used to write funny things? Remember the Sarah that would ponder the deeper things in life and God's hand in all of it? Was I ever really clever and witty, or was I deceiving myself? (I'm trying to think of spur-of-the-moment kind things I have ever done for people but I'm drawing a big blank on that one). I miss the me I used to be.

I've become the Sarah whose lunch menu has become Tums with an Ibuprofen chaser. I'm the Sarah that is unable to talk to you unless I have it on my day planner. I'm the Sarah that feels guilty no matter where I am or what I'm doing because something else somewhere desperately needs my attention. I've become the working Sarah. She is not a pretty picture.

Recently, however, it was made clear to me this is my current task. I have no idea if this is my life's calling -- but it's my Fall 2005 calling. Because of how I approached accepting this job I feel certain I am where God would have me be. It scares me to think that perhaps God didn't just ALLOW me to be where I am He actually WANTS me where I am. But I feel certain He would have me do my job with a little better perspective on job and life and the precarious balance of the two. For now, that is my prayer.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as
working for the Lord, not for men,
Colossians 3:23