Thursday

Finding Me

"Who Am I? Whooo Ammm Iii? I... am a walrus."
  (extra credit for naming the movie AND character)

As I like to, on occasion, vomit the contents of my brain onto the contents of my blog (I know. You LOVE my word pictures). You are left with way too much of the contents of my brain splattered about your shoes and pants and what not.  Occasionally you either sympathize with me or help me find clarity or just nod in agreement. I don't even know which this calls for, but I just want to toss out what is consuming my thoughts rolling around my brain these days.

And, like usual, it's basically me. Yes, I am consuming my own head these days. So... hope you didn't spill your popcorn from the suspense.

I seem to be doing more navel-gazing/ daily wandering wondering "Who Am I?" Aren't I a grown woman? Aren't I supposed to know this by now?

I think it has surprised me that geographically moving has so displaced the balance of who I believe myself to be and, honestly, the value that I am on this planet. I am seeking and seeking me -- yet in my heart I know I am seeking in the wrong places.

Financially, my family needs me to have a job. As I look at my resume' and what I look like "on paper"...? Let's just kindly say that it can't possibly reflect the whole sum of who I am, thank goodness, because I don't amount to much (though I do have one VERY costly college degree I'm not using. Thank you, mom and dad!) Logically I KNOW that isn't the sum of who I am, but after rejection after rejection, it's hard not to claim just a little piece of that.

Then there is a title that I truly dearly love as "Mom." Not everyone is blessed or gifted to be a mom, not everyone wants to be a mom, yet the Lord entrusted two of His amazing souls to me and I am thankful every day. However -- being "mom" to teenagers is about as rewarding as being "mom" to newborns, and about as equally sleep depriving. I won't continue my lament, but for as much as I love this role, nothing is telling me that I have excelled or been successful at it overall. It's a work in progress that most days feels like walking through quick sand. And on a bad day, there are leeches. Yelling about the quality (or lack) of the food offerings.

And I wrestle with this writing ministry. I long to make it a ministry, a ministry that matters, that touches lives, and that encourages others. But a)I am as lost as a goose in how to do that and b) did I mention that our family kind of needs some dollars flowing into the homestead so that the teenagers/ leeches will quit shouting about the paltry offerings of food? Yet the Lord provides everything that we need.

I admit that I am not hearing the Lord's leading clearly on this. And I can tell you clearly why: I am running so fast through the forest of "Who am I?/ What am I supposed to be doing?" that I cannot hear the still, small whisper that is telling me to "be still and know" through this season. I don't WANT to be still. I WANT to KNOW NOW.

I am being a toddler having a little bit of a tantrum, only it doesn't look like a tantrum, it looks like that kid calling his mom's name again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again..... only he has turned away, watching TV or picking his nose and doesn't even realize that his mother is giving the demanding toddler her full attention.

Here is what I KNOW, and where I know I need to start every day: 
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10
 That should be the very foundation of who I am, what I know, and how I launch my day. I should follow by time on my knees, searching for and listening for those good works that are prepared for me. Yet I wander


And that, friends, is where I am today. A little bit wandering.


Always love hearing from you. Can you relate? Kick me in the rear? Tell me to take a hike? What do you got for me?


13 comments:

hubcityrob said...

Brian from Breakfast Club. I know, I am demented and sad, but social.

Sarah S. said...

"Tell the man what he's won!" Who was Judd Nelson talking to when he said that? Then he started punching his own face? Sorry. You win. Extra credit! :-)

hubcityrob said...

John (Judd Nelson) was talking to Claire (Molly Ringwald) about Brian's (Anthony Michael Hall) involvement in the math and physics clubs. Since they sit around and talk about physics, it technically is a "social" club. Claire, by the way, is either a fat girl's name or a family name, depending on who you align with. Oh, she's not fat now...

Ida Richardson said...

I am right there with you. Over and over God tells me....write, speak, talk....and I am willing, but I am scared and completely in the dark about where to take the next step. Unlike you, my nest is empty, the birdies (and leeches) having vacated years ago. Unemployed, and unemployable so it seems, at a crossroads not knowing which way to turn. Enough about me...

Stephanie said...

All I can say is I can relate. I have a job. But that's it. It's not at all who I am.

Roxanne Langley said...

I can relate. I am not in the habit of kicking people in the rear unless the are ACTING like a rear. . .I am especially not in the habit of kicking people in the rear when they are in distress. . .nor will I tell you to take a hike--36 years of friendship will let you know you are stuck with me. And me with you. I AM a teacher--but that job does not define me. . .I AM a writer and a photographer and a mother and blah, blah, blah. . .who am I? I'm still finding that out every day. Right now I am a 42 year old middle school teacher who is about to drop out of graduate school and found out today that she has two bulging discs and a joint that has slipped backward (thus my hip pain since the end of July). . .

A change of the magnitude you have experienced is going to throw you off kilter for a long while--but at least you KNOW that is what is happening. At least you know the off kilter part--the how long part remains to be seen. I love you. . .and I'll send an e-mail later.

Roxanne Langley said...

You know. . .that had better be considered a classic some day. That was and is one great movie.

Anotherbattlewon said...

I can relate - especially to the wanting to write and minister but now having any idea how to go about it. All I can say is I am learning to do what the Lord puts in front of me and trust that in His time, He will allow me to do more in the area of writing and especially speaking with others. Everytime I "ask", I get the same answer - "Trust Me. Don't push it, just leave it up to me." In the meantime, (and sometimes time can be VERY mean) I teach - which I love, and I follow daily the direction I feel for that day. Right now, that includes pursuing a further degree which will allow me to move into administration - trust me, this is NOT something I wanted or sought. But you know that prompting you feel that won't go away...yeah, that one. Oh, and when I "ask" about why, I hear "Trust Me." Funny, I don't often hear a lot more than that during my "why" times, but those two words are enough....because I know I can TRUST HIM. Thanks for being so vulnerable. It honestly does help others to know they are not alone in their occasional floundering. Wait for it - the promise is coming and He who made it is faithful.

Sarah S. said...

Great point/ reminder -- that even if I DID have a job, it still would not be who I am. I am completely guilty of looking at the "greener grass" and assuming people WITH jobs feel more defined. I do think I would at least feel like I were contributing financially to the family (but then I would feel like I was missing much at home, I'm sure) and perhaps feel satisfaction in completing tasks. But, you are correct: simply having a job doesn't equate to being defined as a human.

Sarah S. said...

No, no -- MORE about you because it sounds SO much like me! You need to read Donna's (anotherbattlewon) comment above about hearing God reminding her to trust. I think that's what we're being called to do. Be faithful in our gifts, one foot in front of the other, and trust. No road map -- but I sure don't like it that way!

Sarah S. said...

Oh, please don't drop out of graduate school. Drive up here and talk to me before you do. Let's chat, shall we? I'm very sorry for your pain. Yes, as I sad to Stephanie, I am guilty of being a "grass is greener" over there kind of person, assuming that having a job would help define me, when I know that it does not. Good point.

Sarah S. said...

Yes, yes, yes... Yes to all. Years ago I wrote -- and in my heart I KNOW, but am not living -- that I know, I really know the secret to "what God wants from us" and "exactly how to live in His will": get up every stinkin' morning, be in His word, kneel at His throne, and say, "Here am I, Lord, send me." That's not exactly what I wrote, but that was the gist. I know it to be true, and I HATE the truth of it. I am longing and looking for a road map that I truly know doesn't exist. I am bonking my head against the trees of that forest I described when all I must do is rest in Him. What am I struggling so hard against? Hmmmm.... I wish I understood myself better.

Jamie Kocur said...

I can totally relate. I'm always whining about my purpose and what I should be doing rather than living in today.

 
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