(extra credit for naming the movie AND character)
As I like to, on occasion, vomit the contents of my brain onto the contents of my blog (I know. You LOVE my word pictures). You are left with way too much of the contents of my brain splattered about your shoes and pants and what not. Occasionally you either sympathize with me or help me find clarity or just nod in agreement. I don't even know which this calls for, but I just want to toss out what is
And, like usual, it's basically me. Yes, I am consuming my own head these days. So... hope you didn't spill your popcorn from the suspense.
I seem to be doing more navel-gazing/ daily wandering wondering "Who Am I?" Aren't I a grown woman? Aren't I supposed to know this by now?
I think it has surprised me that geographically moving has so displaced the balance of who I believe myself to be and, honestly, the value that I am on this planet. I am seeking and seeking me -- yet in my heart I know I am seeking in the wrong places.
Financially, my family needs me to have a job. As I look at my resume' and what I look like "on paper"...? Let's just kindly say that it can't possibly reflect the whole sum of who I am, thank goodness, because I don't amount to much (though I do have one VERY costly college degree I'm not using. Thank you, mom and dad!) Logically I KNOW that isn't the sum of who I am, but after rejection after rejection, it's hard not to claim just a little piece of that.
Then there is a title that I truly dearly love as "Mom." Not everyone is blessed or gifted to be a mom, not everyone wants to be a mom, yet the Lord entrusted two of His amazing souls to me and I am thankful every day. However -- being "mom" to teenagers is about as rewarding as being "mom" to newborns, and about as equally sleep depriving. I won't continue my lament, but for as much as I love this role, nothing is telling me that I have excelled or been successful at it overall. It's a work in progress that most days feels like walking through quick sand. And on a bad day, there are leeches. Yelling about the quality (or lack) of the food offerings.
And I wrestle with this writing ministry. I long to make it a ministry, a ministry that matters, that touches lives, and that encourages others. But a)I am as lost as a goose in how to do that and b) did I mention that our family kind of needs some dollars flowing into the homestead so that the teenagers/ leeches will quit shouting about the paltry offerings of food? Yet the Lord provides everything that we need.
I admit that I am not hearing the Lord's leading clearly on this. And I can tell you clearly why: I am running so fast through the forest of "Who am I?/ What am I supposed to be doing?" that I cannot hear the still, small whisper that is telling me to "be still and know" through this season. I don't WANT to be still. I WANT to KNOW NOW.
I am being a toddler having a little bit of a tantrum, only it doesn't look like a tantrum, it looks like that kid calling his mom's name again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again. and again..... only he has turned away, watching TV or picking his nose and doesn't even realize that his mother is giving the demanding toddler her full attention.
Here is what I KNOW, and where I know I need to start every day:
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10That should be the very foundation of who I am, what I know, and how I launch my day. I should follow by time on my knees, searching for and listening for those good works that are prepared for me. Yet I wander.
And that, friends, is where I am today. A little bit wandering.
Always love hearing from you. Can you relate? Kick me in the rear? Tell me to take a hike? What do you got for me?