Never Satisfied

I remember through pregnancy and with newborns, I just wanted my body back -- I wanted to eat what I wanted and have it not upset my stomach or anyone else's, I wanted to not have a small person attached to me internally OR externally, I wanted one decent night's sleep. I thought that's all I wanted.

As they got older, I still wanted my body back even though it wasn't quite so involved. I wanted to not be anyone's snotty tissue or napkin for food (which was always purely accidental -- they still don't use napkins, but at least prefer to wipe on their own clothes as opposed to mine). I wanted to walk through one store without being clammy-handed from trying to keep breakage to a minimum. When I wasn't clammy-handed, I had my arms full of toddler. I wanted to sit somewhere without being crawled over, crawled on, leaned on, sat on, or slept on. I thought that's all I wanted.

I'm sure there has been a middle ground, but now? I just want my STUFF back. I want the sweatshirt I let one child wear last week that is now lost in the bowels of elementary school. I want my carpet free of smooshed up hard, red candy. Just once I would like for the paper to be on the table in it's entirity, not missing the section with the comics (although I still really like that someone other than me will go out in any weather to get the paper!) I have a ridiculous expectation that when I buy a child a pair of shoes for church that for at least two weeks in a row, both of them will be able to be located. I would like a guest bathroom that doesn't have a floating, expandable brain floating in one of the sinks. For now, I think that's all I want -- my stuff back.

I'm sure in a few short years I will still want my stuff back, but it will be bigger stuff -- my car, my furniture that is slowly disappearing into a college apartment, my life-savings that is slowly disappearing into college tuition.

Then, I will want my heart back. Because eventually they will pack that up and move out with it, as well. And I will be left with my own body and all of my stuff (much worse for the wear, but it will be here). And I will want my heart back.