Marriage Monday: Encouraging Words

My thoughts on marriage today are prompted by Trey's post making the amazing claim: "How to Drop the Divorce Rate to 7% in Your Marriage."

Well, I was all about that. I have mentioned about a time or 50 that Troy and I have stared divorce in the face and by the grace of God and prayers of others we came out on the other side. And we are wiser and gentler with each other for it (did you know that most marriages -- like 80%-ish -- that are unhappy report that 5 years later are happier than ever? Because they have found the value in sticking it out).

However, that doesn't mean that we are immune to common pitfalls in marriage. Hyper-aware that they are taking place, maybe, but they still crop up from time-to-time.

Take now, for instance. Let's push aside the fact that the kids and I have only lived in this area for 3 months, so aren't super familiar with neighbors and friends, and certainly don't have a carpool support system. Fall has defaulted to being our crazy-busy season since that includes activities of both of our kids. Marching band practice has one going until late day while football practice gets one up in the wee hours of the morning, football games (for both) are on 2 nights a week, then the schools want us to meet the teacher, party with the band, and do all kinds of other things that take up evenings and time and gasoline.

It is a fun season of life watching our kids do what God has gifted them to do, but it does coincide with a busy season at Troy's work, when they also happen to be short-handed. Today is a fairly typical 13-hour day for him to launch a busy week that concludes with an out-of-town business trip over the weekend. It's our season of life and where God has us now.

So communication is brief. Emails and texts fly about schedules, finances, errands, and home maintenance. By the end of the day, it's "I'm starving," "What's for dinner," and "Who's turn is it to clean up?" That's about all we have left.

When Trey's blog post mentioned to compliment our spouse 5 times for every negative thing we say, I confess I was at a loss.
"Your car looks so shiny as you drive away in the mornings..."
"You spell everything right in your texts to tell me how late you're going to be..."

Once I started paying attention -- that if I wasn't going to compliment, I had to quit being negative, for starters -- I found places to compliment. When you've been married ... as long as we have (a number that we actually disagree on -- we have no idea how long it will be this November ... but I'm pretty sure I'm right... :-) you forget that someone still likes to hear compliments on their appearance.

But of course I lOVE to get compliments -- and Troy is good at that. I'll have to compliment him on  his complimenting me.

If it's really that easy, will you do it? Compliment your spouse 5 times for every negative thing you say? I found myself biting my tongue about ridiculous criticisms (where the soy sauce goes in the pantry, for example) just so I wouldn't have to dream up compliments about someone I'm barely spending any time around currently. Yes, I am being bare bones honest right now.

I married an amazing, godly man and it has been good for me to remember all the reasons why! What about you?

Marriage Monday on Wednesday

Before Christmas when I told you all about my friend Dana losing her husband I mentioned that when he first became ill it was the year that Troy and I fought to put our marriage back together. I had MANY people message me privately about that statement. Some asking, "Okay, tell me how you did it..." and another person or two simply saying, "Good for you for fighting the fight."

One person that mentioned it to me said, "You should write about that on your blog...!" Please don't throw stones at the poor person -- they haven't known me long and don't know that many of you have heard ad nauseum about this very subject. But it did make me realize that not everyone has heard my story, and I wanted to be a little more intentional about using my blog to share some things I learned along the way.

So I would like to take some regular time this year to do just that -- share some things here on the blog that I regularly share with others privately. I don't mind people knowing where I've been, and I would LOVE for other people to be able to learn from where I've been. However, some of the road I've been on wasn't mine alone and I won't share every last detail here. But I can tell you enough to tell you that Troy and I looked each other in the eye and wondered if we would still be married the next month, much less the next year. And I can tell you that only God's grace and mercy could not only repair a marriage as broken as ours, but redeem it to the point that it is now.

*Truth in advertising disclaimer* We've had a GREAT last year, but for whatever reason the holidays were hard on our marriage. We're not in the best place EVER at this precise moment in time, but because of where we've been, I know that we have the tools to get back there. It's not all rainbows and lollipops in a redeemed marriage, but it has a different feel to it than a marriage that is just ... hanging on.

I had planned to start this today, then I listened to an AMAZING podcast yesterday on marriage that I would recommend to anyone -- in crisis or not. Even in my redeemed state, it led me to understand some things about my marriage that brought tears to my eyes and a repentant heart about what I have expected from Troy in the past.

Andy Stanley, of the Northpoint Church, has a podcast series on iTunes entitled 'iMarriage.' It's 3 lessons long. I've only heard the first one so far, but it was really good and I highly recommend it. (sorry, but I don't know how to link directly to things in iTunes: you can find it here under the 'Destinations' link)

What got my attention -- and cracked me up -- was that Stanley started out the lesson by saying that when a woman says to a man "We need to talk about our marriage..." (or tried to get him to come to that sermon) he hears it the same way she would hear him say "Have you heard that sound the car is making?"

She just wants to turn up the radio and ignore the sound the car is making! (Oh, yeah, he's been riding in the car with me!) She figures if the car is still running, why worry about what sound it's making? He figures if the marriage is still running, why talk about it? (Oh, yeah, he's been at our house, too!)

Well, I am living proof that if you turn up the radio too long on your car, the back wheels will fall slap off (didn't happen, but it was on its way according to my mechanic -- but I still wanted to turn up the radio). And if you leave a marriage be without checking on it, the wheels of your marriage will fall slap off (did happen -- awful, painful, can't even tell you...) and that is much harder to recover from. You can trade in your car, and some people try to trade in a marriage, but once the wheels fall off either one, trade-in value is greatly decreased.

This year I will tell you some of the things I did right to get my marriage back together, and I will share with you a few of the 3 million things I did wrong to get me in the spot where it needed to be put back together. Until I get to more practical topics, please just know that you aren't the only person who has ever felt lonely in a marriage, or wondered if you married the wrong person, or wondered if it was even worth sticking together. Trust me on this: it is absolutely, completely 100% worth it. I will explain why later.

Know that I am praying for marriages -- even if you don't comment, even if I don't know your name. I am praying for marriages that are hurting, and even marriages that are simply ... there. God can redeem those marriages and use them for Him.

Today I am posting Marriage Monday on Wednesday, joining Sheila Gregoire for Wifey Wednesday. She has some really down-to-earth great topics, starting with sex today!