Fireproof or on Fire?

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33

I haven't seen the movie "Fireproof". In part, because when it was in my little town, life was too nutty to try to fireproof anything. I really drug my feet about going, also. I have mentioned a time or twelve that Troy and I have survived a rough patch in our marriage (kind of like Katrina has been a 'rough patch' for New Orleans) and things are, this minute, better than I ever thought they would be in the middle of that (and please don't hear me say 'perfect' and please DO hear me giving God every bit of the glory for any marriage left -- without Him, we were DONE). However, there is still a little hurt and healing that God needs to take care of, and I don't know that I'm ready to go see someone else struggle through the same thing (obviously, I'm not even positive what the premise of the movie is other than 'fireproofing a marriage' -- but I'm guessing it starts with a marriage in a not-great place).

Tucker saw it recently with his wife out there on the frozen tundra where he farms when it isn't frozen tundra. In writing his thoughts on the movie, and the scripture, he talked about the scripture in Ephesians 5 is, like the movie (evidently the movie very closely acts out Ephesians 5:22-33) mostly directed to men. The scripture says again and again, "Husbands love your wives,... husbands love your wives..." However, notice (above) how v. 33 ends talking to the women. We aren't told to love our husbands. Chances are, we already do, always have, always will, no matter what he is or does. We are told to respect our husbands.

This is one of those things that I know, but don't always put into practice. Just recently -- within the last month, I think -- I had to apologize to Troy when we got home from somewhere. I made some comment -- probably trying to be funny -- that could have been demeaning to him. Truthfully, I do not remember AT ALL what it was, I just remember apologizing, and thankfully, Troy has a horrible memory so even if I asked him, he wouldn't remember either. HOWEVER -- whoever I was talking to may remember it. And they may have an impression about how I feel about my husband that is inaccurate. What if it was someone who wasn't a Christian and that was my witness? Praying God's grace over that...!

One of the comments on Tucker's blog made me realize that I have been given MANY opportunities to hear and learn this information, and I STILL have trouble actually doing it. I went to a Christian school 1st-12th grades, and 12th grade Bible class was ENTIRELY about marriage. I had both Faulkner and Brecheen for Bible at ACU, who spent YEARS giving marriage seminars, and Troy and I have been to two of those seminars as well. KNOWLEDGE isn't what makes the difference in respecting your husband (nor about any other aspect of Christianity, I guess). It's day to day living it.

The comment on Tucker's blog made me realize that's kind of a foreign concept/ idea for some women. Even though it sounds like a great idea, they may not be sure how to 'put legs on it'. In short, it means it is your job to honor your husband by the way you talk TO him, the way you talk ABOUT him, the way you respond to his decisions, the way you care about the things he cares about. Again -- I can SAY it easier than I can DO it. But God can do a LOT when I let Him.

When Troy and I were in marriage counseling, much of our discussion was around my role as "Troy's biggest cheerleader" -- not only just to him, but to other people. We all get so beat up by the world around us -- your spouse should be the last person who "puts you in your place"!! Home shouldn't be where you go to become wounded further, or a place to hide from -- home should be the safest place there is.

I have mentioned before -- maybe not here -- that Coffee Group has an unwritten rule: we do NOT husband bash. So many women's groups turn into a place to air all of their complaints about their spouse. That can turn into a VERY ugly mob-frenzy! The best part about my Coffee Group is that if any of us do need to vent about something not going well, we can vent -- but the group generally 'sides' with the husband. Because they all love him, too, and don't want anyone to talk poorly about him.

This has just been on my mind since reading that comment on Tucker's blog. Since hearing Gary Thomas at his 'Sacred Marriage' workshop (which I wrote about and can't currently find) -- I have been haunted by this thought: "As Christians, our marriages SHOULD be one of our biggest evangelism tools. They should look completely different from the world's. But they don't..." Ouch, huh? (or, in current vernacular, "I know, right?" -- whatev...)

So I must leave here and go be with my husband. And I will commit to you and him to renew my commitment to him and the Lord to respect my husband.

Which brings me to another post for another day -- AWESOME book I'm reading now...!

Sacred Marriage

Troy and I went to a marriage seminar several months ago. I thought I had written about it here, but found a half-post buried in my drafts waiting for my attention. I've really been thinking much about what the speaker said lately.

After going to a Christian school 1st - 12th grades, a Christian college for 5 years, a couple (or three?) Faulkner/ Brecheen seminars, and various and sundry other sermons and Sunday school curricula, I went to the seminar prepared to hear things I had heard many times before. But, I figured it couldn't hurt for Troy and I to be reminded that we need to take time for each other and hold hands more often (we're pretty good hand-holders -- any more hand-holding and it really may inhibit our day-to-day activities). I was completely blown away.

Gary Thomas was our speaker, and he looks about 12. At first glance, you wouldn't have imagined that he had even been married long enough to have much to say about it. He's also incredibly soft-spoken. I initially thought it may be a very long day. But he is very enjoyable to listen to, and basically said something that, not only had I never heard before, but it had never even crossed my mind.

His basic premise is that this idea that marriage is for MY happiness and romance is a Hollywood idea, and fairly recent in the history of mankind.

What if, he said, just what if marriage was for MY holiness, not happiness? What if my marriage is all about ME, as one of God's imperfect children, learning to love one of God's imperfect children? What if I viewed my love of my spouse and the way I treat my spouse as one of the many ways I can worship and serve God?

I'm tellin' ya, it had never even crossed my mind, but it made perfect sense. And I'm not an easy person to sway! One example really stuck with me. He mentioned that historians are fairly unanimous in their agreement of Abraham Lincoln being included in the list of the greatest United States presidents of all times; known for his leadership and drive to unity at a terribly divisive time in our history. They are also fairly unanimous in including Mary Todd Lincoln as one of the most miserable and awful First Ladies. Gary Thomas' thought was that perhaps the commitment to cling to his marriage through difficult times prepared him for greatness in the Oval Office.

There are many things I would like to ask him, and many things I'm still praying on, but that viewpoint has brought much peace to me. I think simply because it's a surrender of self and will -- which are, to me, two of the hardest things to get out of the way to make such a close relationship work. And, more importantly, it's a voluntary surrender -- I choose to worship and honor God by the way I treat his son, my husband. My husband doesn't demand it, God doesn't even demand it, but I choose to surrender my way and what I want in order to honor God through my marriage (okay, now I'm sounding like a saint -- which I am NOT -- I'm just explaining this new and painless way of thinking for me). And God, in turn, blesses me with a happier husband who is eager to take care of me and keep me happy! God has also shown me, as I pray to let go of things, that very few things that have irritated me are really worth being upset over. When you pray to the creator of the universe about getting your way for dinner selection, you realize how piddly you sound. Embarrassing, but true.

Something else that REALLY struck me from that seminar was this statement: "As Christians, our greatest witness should be keeping our marriages together. And we're not. Our divorce rate looks no different than the world's." Wow. Very true. What's up with that? I have all sorts of theories about that -- time doesn't allow me to speak to those in a manner sensitive enough for the subject, though. But so much of that comes from us all trying to look like we have it all together, and not having relationships within the Christian family that we can turn to and reveal our hearts and struggles and prayer needs. Of course, many of us within the Christian family cannot be trusted with that information without relaying it to "just a few people" until the chain of gossip already has us divorced. But that's a whole other issue for a whole other blog post!

I would really encourage any of you to read the book, "Sacred Marriage". As much as I am trying to really stay in God's word right now and mainly listen to Him and only Him, I think that the book Sacred Marriage is a great compliment to scripture -- and another step in understanding and remembering that this life, including my marriage, is not about me and my happiness. It's for Him and to reflect His holiness.